20 Newborn Opossums Can Fit Into A Tablespoon

How's the summer been folks? If you liked that fact, here's another one. Elephants are the only animals that can't jump. Two installments ago on The House I made a big claim. I said that Robin would be kicked off of the fine show America's Next Top Model. When I am wrong, I can admit it. I was wrong. Gisele was clipped. But this week Robin's holier-than-thou attitude got her eliminated. Yes! There is another reality show I am obsessed with now called Last Comic Standing. It is absolutely fabulous. And imagine my surprise when I'm watching the telly and I see in the background a comic from the Rose and Crown, Kevin Shea! A few days ago I talked to the dude to investigate, and money, it was him. I love it when I see someone I know on the telly. My mom just got back from LA to see my uncle's new sushi restaurant, and he told her about AMEX Crystal. It's better than AMEX Black which my unc has, and the mofoin' card is clear! How did I not know about this card???


I am not one for stealing copyrighted pictures, but this one of the A*Teens is the greatest picture of them I have found to date. My favorite song is "Hi and Goodbye." If I ever met the A*Teens I might have to kill myself because life wouldn't get any better. (Joking...)

Ted posed the good Dr. and bought *almost* the same jacket. Not a stunner move on his part. This was taken the day before Jason left for Indonesia and we started drinking in the afternoon on his balcony.

By this point it was 10ish and Jason was passed the fuck out. Here I am getting "curbed" American History X style by PBD. Who is PBD? Stay tuned...

Steve and I decided to make a bunch of garlic fries one day after going to Crate and Barrel to drop off a present to one of their fine employees, the Mista Ted. At the Crate there was a shoe-string potato cutter thing, and although I didn't make that purchase, we decided to fry up some potatoes. 7 to be exact.

Why let good oil go to waste? We fried bananas, Garden Burger Savory Portabella burgers, imitation bacon, imitation buffalo wings and apples.

Here are the remainder of the cheesy garlic fries we made. Props to Burkholder's cutting skills.

Here he is... PBD! Pretty Boy Doug! Posing next to his kegerator he made, aptly named the Dougerator.

We wanted Del Taco Bonnie to come chill, but she lives far away and was doing math homework. Here I am drunk trying to do a math problem that most sober people with limited algebra skills can do with relative ease. I was having all sorts of trouble.

We got a pony keg of Bud Light. I won't say who, but buying a keg with an out of state fake ID is ridiculous.

Ted figured out why Doug has the TV behind him instead of donating it to the YMF. It is a 70" mirror so he can turn around and look at himself!

My first kegstand.

I won't lie; I don't know how long I did it for. Not too long. However this wasn't Slina's horizontal kegstand so it's OK.

Have you seen Steve work his magic? He is up there with Walt Disney, Santa Claus and the Sugar Plum Fairies. Joyce rides motorcycles she reminds me of that girl from the Disney Channel.

Dr. Chiba! Dr. Chiba! How are you?

I need lots of hours for my Instrument and Commercial ratings so my instructor and I decided to go to the greatest place on earth (next to Fry's Electronics), Las Vegas, for a couple hours. Here I am pumping gas like a lineman. I like pumping my own gas because I can be absolutely sure that it is topped off.

There it is! There it is!

Everything looks alright, we'll let my friend Eddie the Autopilot fly us in.

You really can't see it in the pic, but I was taxiing behind a 737. By the time I got my camera out it was already way ahead me. Fucking 737s.

McCarran International is near the strip, and in the distance we can see The MGM Grand and The Venetian.

At The Bellagio gardens, people just stood there watching the water show. Not that spectacular. The buffet had a long ass line so we decided to dine at Cafe Bellagio. Alright food, but great service. I tipped like 25%.

I won't lie... the first part of flying back was scary cause we had to cross mountains in the dark. As you can see, there's not much to see, just black. So for safety we hugged the 15 to give us a place to land in case of an engine failure.

Put faith in your instruments...

and a good map.

We thought we would have to make one fuel stop, but like pimps we made it back in about 4 hours.

Except don't ever put all your trust in fuel gauges because they're not 100% accurate.

131 knot ground speed?! This might not be a lot to you jet or turbo-prop pushers but to us 172 folks it's great.

After 11 hours of flight time, thank you Eddie the Autopilot.

First night we used the Dougerator. I was afraid of getting food poisoning but what I really should've feared was alcohol poisoning. This night was great we had some San Mateo folk there like moi, Brian J. and the Melissa B. Now all we needed were EMac, Emily G., Tyvek and Josh Wu!

I don't understand how or why, but I got really hammered and I was drunk in the morning. First time. Here is PBD's profile.

The sorority house on MTV's Sorority Life, that horrible horrible show. At least get lookers like Denise Richards!

The Budweiser factory in Fairfield, CA. Last time we came it was on a weekend so the lines weren't running. Now they are! It's weird they have bottles in boxes, and then they take the bottles out of the boxes to fill them, and then later on they put them back into the boxes. Why is that?

This is everything that Anheuser brews. Adolphus Busch, you are a great great man. Did you know?- Anheuser was pasteurizing Budweiser 20 years before milk was pasteurized. I thought that they did flash pasteurization but they spray hot water on the bottles/cans for about 30 minutes. Interesting trivia isn't it? Now you can go to parties and woo the ladies.

Dr. C, what is that in your hands?

Well let's see... making friends is my business... At least when I'm drunk.

Check this pimp shit out. You may remember Burkholder got one a while ago, and this time I stepped up to the plate and guessed the skunky beer.

The Jelly Belly factory is near the Budweiser one so we decided to go here too. It was mobbed by little kids. And Asians. A lot of Asians.

I wanted peanut chocolate samples but they were giving out almond. Nothing a nice smile by the Ex Eye Vee to the lady working the counter won't fix...

Hey, you wanna buy this thing? I got it for sale on eBay.

Since we were doing so many tours we might as well go on this chocolate tour. Sadly they weren't giving any, but they gave us a lot of free chocolate! Did you know?- Studies show that when fed copious amounts of chocolate, women stopped eating because they felt full whereas men stopped eating because they didn't want anymore chocolate.

Then the olive oil factory, where they just let you taste all their oils. We bullshitted with this lady for a very long time. Here's a secret mix that I came up with- garlic oil, hot pepper oil and black balsamic. Great. Well my friends, you better lose yourself in the music the moment you own it... Respec.



July 3, 2003

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