The Biggest Update Ever

I lied. This is not the biggest update ever. It was going to surpass The Ski Trip but due to some problems with alcohol, I didn't get enough pictures. And I couldn't think of a more creative title, so here you go. I'll just get this out now. Last year I had a lot of fun on Halloween, and this year I wanted to go even bigger. I won't lie, I went huge. However I went so huge I forgot about my mission to get 40+ pictures that night, and so there aren't that many. I'll say it first, I'm sorry. Do you think I should've waited until I had 70+ pictures so it could actually be the biggest update ever? I don't care, you have no vote in The House, it is a sole proprietorship.


What a coincidence. Ben Taft and Benton are in the first picture on a section again. Here they are taking apart the bar because our fish tank leaked and the carpet below needed to be dried. What a bitch.

You know what else is a bitch? When you're taking your new Agent Cody Banks DVD out of the case and it FUCKING CRACKS. On the bright side, the standard version side cracked so if and when I go big on my next telly purchase, I can still watch the film in widescreen format like in the theaters.

We're going jetskiing... but it's blocked in by Sierra's car, who's in class.

I called AAA to open up the car so we could push it somewhere. Then we noticed 1. She had an alarm and 2. Since it's an automatic, we needed the key to put the shifter into neutral. Bad idea.

So improvising and using Lindsey's idea, we brought the jetski around the back. I won't lie, it was a bitch.

But we are pamps, and it was stunned on Stun Street.

This thing is intense and quite frightening. I went 63 MPH and was afraid for my life. And like a little bitch, I tipped it. Twice. I have my towel around me like an Egyptian Princess because it was fucking cold.

Nothing like our resident alcoholic Sierra double fisting it.

So I was sitting at the Menlo stop sign and watching all the kids with their permits driving with their parents sitting shotgun. Knowing how bad kids are at driving, I'm afraid of when I'm a daddy letting my kid drive me. See, my parents didn't have that worry because I am a superb individual, but other kids... I don't know. Wait! What am I saying? If it's going to be my kid, then he will be superb as well, if not a greater man than the Marquis. Problem solved.

Huens took a picture of me napping like a cat. I frequently fall asleep reading, however even asleep I am a skilled and superb man, diligently using a free digit as a MacGyver-esque bookmark.

You see that red/white mess in the upper lefthand corner? Yeah that was our starfish that disintegrated in one day after dying. Gross and foul smelling.

Here's Angelo holding 3 different sizes of Corona. However the best size is none because Corona gives me extreme headaches. Some of the worst headaches I've gotten were from drinking Corona in the daytime.

Huens looks possessed. By sexual desire I take it.

Here is one of the few times that you will ever see a picture of Benton without him smiling. Is it true that people think you're a punk if you smile and shit?

Another lazy Saturday. I went way too big on Friday and felt absolutely horrible. I stayed in bed until 1:30 which is odd because I usually get up at 10 or earlier.

How good does gas smell?

I got shammed. Do not go see Scary Movie 3. I was so bored I fell asleep. I want my $7.50 back. And then surprisingly the A*Teens shammed me. This import CD was full of "remixes" and cost the Marquis $40US. With that cash I could've bought a lawn gnome off eBay. Some of the remixes don't even sound like remixes, rather the original song. Goddamn you A*Teens. People remember firsts, and I will forever remember the first time I got shammed by the A*Teens. Update: There is one good song, it is a remix of Mamma Mia. They start singing in Swedish and it is so good it might be worth it.

I was watching MTV one day and thought of something profound as the ubiquitous chicken and egg enigma. When a rapper like 50 Cent raps about his Bentleys and his jewels, does he rap about them because he aspires to obtain the material wealth or because he has them? I can't imagine when he first started rhyming that he had that much bank. Is he a poseur?

So lately I've been going to Burger King a lot. 2 BK Veggie burgers, no mayo or pickels on sourdough. It's delicious. This particular one had me wait in the parking lot and they brought it out to me. What service. Have you ever had a BK surf and turf? Here's how to do it. Get a BK Veggie, no mayo or pickels on sourdough and a BK Fish Filet. Discard the top bun of the BK Veggie. Take the top bun of the Fish Filet along with the fish itself and put it on the BK Veggie sandwich. Enjoy.

We had a bonfire one night and when you combine dudes with fire, you know what you get.

At first it was Huens spraying spray paint into the fire. Then he stepped up to spraying bug spray on his hands and on our wood fence and lighting it on fire. Finally we progressed to dousing tennis balls with gasoline only to bounce them around.

Click to see movie #1. Notice how high Taft gets it.

Click for movie #2. Huens is a pimp and starts bouncing the ball around his back and through his legs, LA Lakers style.

Afterwards, Mr. Benjamin Taft and Mrs. Erin Ashford Taft having a deep conversation well into the night about koala bears, single celled amoebas and that wonderful person otherwise known as The Marquis.

Remember how something was wrong with our fish tank and it leaked? Yeah so we got rid of it, and now we are reduced to this little container with an odd assortment of feeder goldfish. I love my fishies cause they're so delicious, gone gold fishin'!

Now that I look at him he doesn't really look like Drew the Model, however last night when I was all sorts of shit faced he looked like Drew's not-as-good-looking brother. Here's the conversation. "Hey man, do you have a brother named Drew?" Yup. "Does he go to Redlands?" Yup. "Uh, are you from Washington?" Nope. Imagine that, this dude resembles Drew the Model and has a brother named Drew going to the same school Drew the Model goes to, only they're different people. If that made sense. What a small world we live in.

Well, I stole this picture from the fine folks at, I won't lie. The girl on the right is so good looking it makes me want to cry in my closet, however her friend is grotesque. There's gotta be a better word.... how's anti-ravishing? Halloween is tomorrow, I cannot fucking wait.

So most of my housemates dressed up as Camp Jim members, and looked real gay.

If it weren't so cold they wouldn't have worn tights underneath their short shorts and they would've looked even gayer. If that's possible. On a sad note, why did it rain/get cold on Halloween? I felt bad for them kids that need to go trick or treating. And for The Marquis. Cause cold and wet weather is not conducive to The Marquis getting housed.

Huens is one creative fucker, almost Douglas P. caliber. I wonder what that pretty boy ended up being.

Although I bet he was mighty cold in just a t-shirt because he is not Russian and is not used to this weather.

The two nice young ladies out back in 20s clothing. You know what my favorite time period of clothing is? The late 18th Century, a la The Patriot. Now those were some sweet threads.

I was a chef. And this is a dick. Being a penis was a fairly popular costume, I think I saw 3 or 4 dudes doing it.

Yeah I don't know about Bric sometimes.

So we go to Halloween Havoc and they start doing their routine to whoever would watch. An hour of practice, and they had 3 or 4 routines down. And yes, I was very embarrassed to be seen with them.

Charles wanted me to take this pic. So Angelo, this here is for you mon ami.

A dick and a chic, taking a piss standing up. Can anyone tell me why these water spot looking things show up on some of my pictures? I think they're reflections from the flash.

A few of the White House girls. Jaclyn I thought was Pink, however she is just a punk. Notice her aqua tights. You'd think those were from the power 80's right? No apparently she got them from some store I forgot the name. Jenna is Christina A, Roe Beyonce, and Lindsay a cat. Yes, ridiculous I know. By the way I passed out here and woke up at 5am, disconbobulated as fuck. I got really scared because I didn't have my bearings in order. Wouldn't you be?

I don't know if you can see my wonderful moustache that I drew on my face with skill matched only by Van Gogh. My teacher says, to concentrate, so what his name is Peter the Great.

I's licking Urn the Fairy because I'm fucked up in the head.

In the morning when I was looking at the pictures I thought Urn would shy away from the Marquis, but look, there she is. We're good to go.

Is it just me or does Urn look so much happier with Ben Taft's protective arm around her? Look above and compare. Apparently I was slapping people like it was my job. Huens introduced me to his friend from Granite Bay and instead of saying hi I slapped him. One day it's going to get me in trouble.

In the morning don't you love hearing that you have some girl's keys and they had to track you down and get it out of your pocket when you were passed out? Yeah that happened with me and the girl on the right, Emily. So yesterday, I'm over it.

"Yeah so go ahead and choose Lindsey. Meat log or cheese log?"

It's our RA from last year, the Mr. Andrew Diller. Who is he trying to impress, being a king? We all know that I am the King of England.

Remember Serene? Isn't one supposed to dress up as something he/she is not for Halloween?

Another picture of Serene, 1. because she's good looking and 2. because she held down the bar with the Marquis that night.

The aftermath of our small little party. And I'm not being facetious, this party was very small compared to our other ones. And look at how fucked up everything is. Oh well, at least people left some stuff we can hawk on eBay like a jean jacket, a cow costume and a bed sheet.

The Theta sorority date event. "Extreme Bowling." What was extreme about it? I'm still trying to figure it out.

Remember taking bus trips to Yosemite and such in grade school? They were so much fun, playing the name game, the sign game, and who can forget taking those quizzes in Seventeen magazine.

Here's Huens with his date and the Marquis. Notice on the screen, they have these 3D animations and such now for bowling. How times have changed since circa 2000, the last time I bowled.

My theory cannot be disputed, except for the Hilton sisters. I need to research it more and write a dissertation on it. The world needs to know about the correlation between beauty and sibling order.

Jamie on the right was our top scorer. Congratulations! I don't think I broke 100. That is pathetic for a man as great as The Marquis of Oxenford. But that's to be expected, in England we don't put dirty shoes on our massaged and manicured feet only to throw a greasy ball down an alley. We wear finely tailored panda skin clothing lovingly crafted by master tailors and bald-eagle skin shoes imaginatively created by skilled cobblers from Sweden to go hunt pheasant and play polo.

Taft, working his magic yeah that's fucked up isn't it.

These girls had this little kitty named Lilo. Don't you wish that cats and dogs could stay small forever? Even kids, when they grow up they just turn out to be pain in the ass wiggers.

Since I love self portraits and pictures of myself, here it is, the Dr. signing off after partying with a large number of gangsters. By the way my camera broke so notice I'm flossing the U30 now. I cannot wait until the U40 comes out in the states.



November 2, 2003

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