Very true, flamingoes and mustard both bite. And the moral of that is birds of a feather flock together. BBBBCCCCAAAWWWW. THANK YOU JENNA! The more I think about it, the more I like that line. Except eagles don't really flock but oh well there are always exceptions aren't there my little hormone-free chicken? So since I always complain about some ailment I'm having, here's the new one. My jaw is cracking like a fucker and apparently since I grind my teeth I'm wearing my jaw out and arthritis is a possibility. What a bitch.


Did you know that Milo isn't his real name? He just freestyled it when he was a shorty and it stuck. He always looks like he's going to cry or just about to be beat up.


February 1, 2004- Super Bowl Sunday

The annual tradition of dudes flocking together to eat nachos, pizza and chips while guzzling the beer, bullshittin and watching the game. See the guy in the dark blue and white striped shirt? His name is Dave and he was on MTV's Tail Daters. I couldn't believe it. I would do anything to be on the telly. They can even make me look absolutely retarded if they want.

Since I know nothing about football I had to ask my wingman sitting behind me what was going on from time to time.

Which is usually what my main man Ferd the Bird does- explain organized sports to me. I think Track & Field is the most fun sport to watch on the telly. Especially during the Olympics.

I got a little bored and was looking at people upside down, and I noticed something funny about Katie. If you look at her eyes upside down, they look right side up!

One of the new Delta Gamma pledges, Thomas Huens. I always knew something was off with that boy.

This guy was pretty cool he kept on doing kegstands and sat next to the keg, just straight drinking from it. See the thing about kegstands is the tap must be disgusting. So if you are paranoid like me about germs, then perhaps you should carry around those alcohol rub swipes to wipe the tap down before partaking in killing the liver. Just a thought.


Thursday, February 5, 2004

Oh yes it is Utah time with one Mr. Cohen and Nicholas Book. I was kicking myself that day because I went fairly big on Wednesday, skipped a class to sleep in, and I still felt tired. Grrrrr.

While I was waiting around for my bags to come out Cohen goes, "Hey Yasu look who it is, Joey Fatone." 1. I can't believe that Joey Fatone is in the SLC. 2. I can't believe that Cohen, Mr. I hate everything trendy because it's trendy, recognized the former pop idol. He was surprisingly a nice guy I won't lie.

Oh yes it's the pimp Liberty to drive us back to the East Bench. When I took my ma's car to get fixed last week they gave me a Liberty as a loaner. Obviously I don't want to be caught driving a piece like that around so I sacked up and paid the $15 to get a '04 Chevy Tahoe. It was refreshingly fun to drive.

Nick's dad put the car key behind the front license plate, and it was a bitch getting it out.

Thursday night at the Cabana Club- $1 drafts. So this big Greek guy named Dimitry told me that Yasu means hello in Greek (every Greek person I talk to tells me that by the way) and he went ahead and bought us all shots of tequila- the worst hard A ever created. And I should've taken a picture of him but he looked all mobbed out and I wasn't sure if he'd be amused at a Japanese tourist taking pictures of him.

"Chickety China the Chinese Chicken, have a drumstick and your brain starts clicking."

"Hey you have to put this on your website. Utah is sick because all the non-Mormons come together and drink." Just another example of BFFT isn't it my little Mr. Popper's penguin? That's fine, but I also enjoy the ridiculous girls in the SLC.

Well it is nice to get back together with the original members of the VDT and reminisce about Aaron Stricker and his ridiculousness. Aaron Stricker goes fucking nuts when he drinks Jack, and Cohen and I are going to write a screenplay or a set of short stories about his doings. It's gonna be good.

Well I can't think of a caption so I'll tell you a story. There was this girl sitting with two of her friends and I thought she was attractive so I started talking to her. She's a mom and is in her 30s. Way to go The Marquis. This is the second time I've thought and talked to someone who I thought was our age but turns out to be much older. Nick was like what the fuck is wrong with you couldn't tell?

I haven't seen my ex-roommate since June of last year, and it was nice seeing that he hadn't changed at the UW. And Cohen also brought me my 2 12x18 pictures of myself. They're getting framed it's going to rule.

OK Elliot sounds exactly like Hanley aka Jimmy Smith Jr.

Neil on my right is going to be on MTV fairly soon. You saw it here first.

Then we just got everyone outside to take a fun pic. Who is that girl touching me? Is she good looking? Damn this weak flash...

Someone was yelling about how someone was doing something and when I walked over it's Fratto taking a piss. "Go on, take a picture."

The Notorious F.A.G. and his sidekick, I Bone Thugs 'N Harmony.

What a nice picture of Kelen. I wish I had a girlfriend as good looking as that.

Do you not find it interesting how people take pictures differently? Laura poses with a sort of amused grin, I am pictured with a jolly Santa look, and Fratto chooses to have a little of his soul stolen with a quasi-sneer.

What is this? Why are both Cohen and Kelen shying away from the camera? That's very un-Paris-Hilton-ish.

I guess a girl walking behind you at all times supporting the boobs works just as well as a bra. A little more awkward, but what the hell? It's the SLC.

Can't end the night without going to Alberto's, now known as Molca Salsa, the 24 hour Mexican food eatery. Why don't we have something like that here? I really like the rolled tacos and chicken quesadillas. They do however keep me up at night with the heartburn. But I guess it's worth it.


Friday, February 6, 2004

We ducked in here to get some food before going skiing, and some lady had a seizure. I was looking at the new Guns & Ammo so I missed her fall, but Nick saw it. It was crazy and I didn't take a picture of it because that's a little in your face rude. Nick knows the heirs to the Smith's fortune, and apparently one of them drives a Ferrari and a Hummer, and paid 50 Cent 10 grand to hang out. But 50 didn't show up, just Guh Guh Guh Guh Guh Guh Guh G-UNIT. How do transactions like that take place? With cash?

A fantastic day for skiing- the weather was so nice! Taken at the top of the tram, at 11,000 feet. By the way Cohen's a badass skier.

We were driving along when the car starts lurching. We're out of fucking gas. Good going Nick.

Fratto to the rescue. AAA said an hour to come, Dominic came in 20 minutes. For free.

Luckily he was at his ma's house and had 2 gallons of gas sitting there for a lawn mower or something.

Off we go to Hidden Valley, a me coming to Utah tradition like Park City's Wasatch. The manager bitched at us last time for wearing jeans (well, not me, since I haven't owned a pair of jeans since 8th grade) and we find out from Fratto's friend who was really good looking I should've got a picture of her stop rambling Dr. Chiba that jeans are allowed at the bar.

This picture's like this. Tally's thinking get out of here while Laura's going, haaaay, come on now leave he's trying to holler.

Talking business over a few with the Mr. Zach Book. You see those Guacamole Doritos? Those are so heavily advertised and non-existant where I live so I almost cried when I saw these sold in the SLC. A horrible disappointment- I could've made better chips with month old tortillas and rotten avocados. But then again I am a Master Chef.

Sienna in the middle looks like Haley Joel Osment (the "I see dead people" kid) but nobody else agreed with me. And the girl to the left of her looks kinda like Pink circa 2000 with darker hair.

Pete Caputo is hilarious. He reminds me so much of my "arm's dealer" it isn't even funny. Bellis is pretty tite as well. BFFT.

As you can see, Nicholas got pretty housed and woke up in the sun room with his clothes off. Fast fact- almost every roller coaster sold in the US is sold by Chandler's father according to a reliable source named Nicholas Book.

The famous Katie Evans with a dude who looks extremely similar to Chad on the MTV True Life- I Go To A Gay High School. Not to say he's gay, of course. We don't talk shit here on The House unless it's someone fucking stupid like Van Dyke.

"This is Marky. He's retarded."

Me, Cohen and Lacey. I'd like to say something but I think it'd be better if I censored myself. So I'll go ahead and say something completely off track. Drinking Red Bull with the ackahol is great, it gets me all alert and wired up, although it does make my face flush.


Saturday, February 7, 2004

Thank God this picture came out. The lens was fogged up and I thought it would come out really blurry. So I was thinking about the toilet seat covers in public bathrooms, and wondered why they have the middle part if you just tear it anyway. Extra material, right? Wrong- the middle part goes into the water, and when you flush it autonomously goes down. What badass engineering.

After a hard day of skiing we come back to the car to find that Zach has lost the car keys somewhere. Lesson learned- zip up your fucking pockets. So after standing around for a while we decided to bus it, the start of an annoying yet amusing trek.

The bus was oppressively hot, I was tired, and there were no seats open. Bitch, bitch, bitch. Ken the bus driver was a complete dumbass. He skipped a stop that we were supposed to go to (along with a bunch of other people) and when we came to the end of the line this dude in the yellow was furious. Here's Ken's retarded logic. He'd turned the bell off, and when the guy in the yellow asked him why didn't he stop at every stop if the bell was off, Ken replied that he didn't hear any bells. Yes you read right he is a fucking dumbass and I don't know how I feel riding in a bus driven by someone with the intellect of a neglected 4 year old child.

This trip was just getting ridiculous, so why not laugh about it?

The UTA comes and rescues the other stranded bus riders.

While Tally comes and bails us out in the Range. Two days, two car mishaps.

This was one of most nerve-racking car rides ever. Since we didn't have enough room and I was the last one in, I had to sit on Nick's lap sans seatbelt. Tally was telling us about all the car wrecks he saw on the way down, and I was terrified that I'd 1. get scarred or 2. get paralyzed in an accident. Thank the Lord He kept me safe. He is the Main Man after all.

Taking ski boots off is definitely one of the best feelings. But today I had to delay it by 2 hours with the whole losing keys incident.

Last night in Utah, why not get another gut wrenching meal at Molca Salsa at 2 AM? Tonight's damage- 3 rolled tacos with guac and a Steak Egg and Cheese burrito except with chicken instead of steak. They were all bitching about how gross that was but it was delicious. So F them.


End of night.


Meanwhile, back in California

I usually don't have shit to do- but this weekend I miss Jenna's birthday and also the Stucco girls' Oceans 11 party. Fuck! Oh well Utah was awesome! The next few pictures come courtesy of J.C. and Melisa Mae, a party I regretfully missed. What kind of vain individual has her picture on her cake? Well I guess I shouldn't be criticizing, I have a 5x7 of me on the desk and a 12x18 on the wall...

The 3 Sloans, from oldest to youngest, left to right- Jaclyn, Birthday girl Jenna aka Jenna Bird, J.C.

Well since I wasn't here I don't really know what sort of captions to write.

Since I want to keep my status as a gentleman, I will just go ahead and say, Jesus H. Christ.

The epitome of birds of a feather flocking together, same sorority, same house. BFFT, GBGH.

Melisa and Lynn, two of like the five Asians I know at SC.

"Two blondes and an Asian," the G-Unit title. Whatever that means. Did you know?- Party 2 Go starts when all other parties end!

End of night... or is it?


This new virus is fucking ridiculous. So I left for Utah on Thursday, came back on Sunday and look how many emails I've received- 450!!! What the fuck can't they fix this?

There's a lot of shit talking going on between the Business school vs. the Engineering school and the Arts & Sciences. Wear your colors strong, this one says "Business school bitches, wasting all their time trying to look wealthy. Those pricks are all insane and generally unhealthy." Taken in the first stall, 1st floor Kenna.

God I haven't played Checkers in forever. I beat Ben the first time playing hella cheap, and then using cunning and guile he turned around and defeated all my proud kings.


Wednesday, February 12, 2004

Yes the winking is back, sadly Hunnah is not doing it.

Can you get any more perfectly symmetrical than that?

Kev hasn't stunned The House in a long time, so here he is. Next time you see him, ask him to do the pigeon. It's awesome.

Not the best picture of Brittany but oh well. Apparently she went up to Ferd and was like, "YASU! Oh wait a minute you're not Yasu. You're Mike... Or Matt..." I resent the fact that someone mistaked Ferd for me, no matter how close to fouling out the person was.

Damn Lindsey dyed her hair. Do you like her as a blonde or brunette? Now I won't lie when I first saw her I was walking to class and was so surprised I blurted out, "What happened?!" She took offense to that (for who says something like that anyway? Only the socially inept!) and shunned me for the day.

Figone's suprise birthday party. We all hid in the garage as to yell, "SURPRISE! Your son is gay!"

Did Greg get a haircut? And Gunnar the Swede looking all serious to try and score some meth. For it does smell like bacon.

Birthday girl Figone!

I guess it is kinda funny...

You may remember from a previous update how people were telling me about Robin's 3.96 GPA. Well here it is in the fucking newspaper. I fucking rule for finding this and taking a picture.

The Ice House men (some of them at least) along with Annie, Megan and Figone. And my $500,000 necklace.

Holla! Adam's in the house blowing kisses to all.

While in Utah I got a call from one Ben Taft telling me that Emily was a fast chugger. Obviously, we have to see about that.

First round, The Marquis of Oxenford. What else can you expect? I'm fucking awesome.

Emily wanted a rematch. What's the use? Perhaps she just wanted to spend more time with me.

"Look at those big boobies!"

So you see my spinning rim iced out necklace I'm rocking? It's hella tite I bought it from Jacob the Jeweler for a Monday present. It weighs 20 pounds and cost $500,000 plus tax. And yes the rim spins. Cause the rims do keep spinning everytime I stop.

Let's kiss a house on my neck to be obnoxious.

I'm losing my form! You can see me dribble a bit like a small child who needs a bib to eat corn soup. Yes I won't lie when I was a kid I was all about the Burberrrrrry bibs.

What can I say? When you can chug, you can chug. Bring it.

Someone looks angry.

So I'm standing around hollering at people when I feel a big spray like I'm standing on the bridge of Das Boot in a storm. I turn around to find this goofy bastard laughing cause he opened an agitated can of beer. Anyone up for beer roulette?

"I fly for the Luftwaffe!"

"So you can touch it if you want."

God let's go for a fourth time. This is just getting ridiculous.

Notice the one handed form, that is the sign of a true Shaolin master.

This picture was taken right after I'd fouled out. Thank God I made it to the bathroom. I can't handle back to back to back to back beer chugging when I'd been drinking before. It's too harsh on my small self. But anyway, puke and rally.

We decided to wake up Biz, however she didn't feel fresh enough to take a picture for The House.

Megan of course fouled out, for she is doing shit like this.

And the last girl I saw fouled out for the night- Erin.

You know that chair in our kitchen? Do not put more than three people on it, ever. Figone was sitting on Mike's lap, or maybe the other way around, when I jumped on them and everybody fell. And no I didn't feel bad.

After being serenaded by Ben and Jeff, it's time for the long walk home by myself.


End of night.


Out of the pictures that Jon sent me, this was the only one The House worthy. Tommy, what the fuck kind of cheap beer is that? Does the CRV cost more than the beer itself?

I've come to the conclusion that I take more pictures of myself in mirrors than anyone else in the world combined. This time, it was because my contact fell out in class and I had to put it back in. But it was being stubborn, so it took a long time and I think people thought I was taking a deuce. That's embarrassing and I was considering not going back but my backpack was still there so I sacked it up. Good going-

Sir Yasuhisa Chiba, XIV, Ph.D.

The Marquis of Oxenford

Surgeon General

Attorney General

5 Time Olympic Gold Medalist

Chief Justice, Supreme Court

Admiral, HMS Relentless Tyranny

Chief Detective, Scotland Yard

And Personal Knight to the Queen



February 12, 2004

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