Ain't That a B

I really don't have much to say here, except the Beastie Boys song "Ch-Check It Out" is awesome. And losing lots of money in Vegas yet again makes me say, "Ain't that a B." Because it truly is. Here's my goal from now on- I swear way too much, so I will try and cut down by saying B for bitch, F for fuck and will not excessively use the term "cooter," however funny and cool it sounds.


Friday, May 7, 2004

A surprising upset, Huens beats Larson in chugging, and what made it all the more impressive was that Huens didn't spill.

Don't mistake a girl as another's sister. They don't like that you don't know who she is.

This is going to be one of those "you had to be there" kind of stories, but Bently was eating a zucchini or something and suddenly spits it out blurting, "This tastes like poison!" Who says that? Usually people say, "this tastes like shit," but poison? Very creative.

Vulgar, vulgar. But your secret is safe with me. I'll Fort Knox it. Actually no I'll give y'all a hint- what is OK for a man to do but not a woman? At least a decent woman?

What makes a hot girl hotter? Braided pigtails. Although there are some girls that cannot pull it off, which is a sad thing. But we all know the best combination: an attractive girl + braided pigtails + pink bucket hat = the cause of my venustraphobia.

It's fun when people bring their 16 year old sisters to drank drink. And my general comment on peaks still holds strong. Here does anyone else agree with me- Cara kinda looks like Erin Worth. More like cousins, not sisters.

Who does Mike Harvey think he is? Apparently our company is not good enough for our class president so he has to chill reading Red Book.

Dave Ray's birthday... wtf why are they all dressed up in warm up suits are they soldiers in the mob?

Hey it's Paulson from the Paulson hour! Here's my question- do you think that he just randomly brought Puma gear because he always wears it, brought it specifically for this party, or he went out and bought it at the Puma store in SF? This probably doesn't make sense unless I mention that he was visiting "The Beauty Queen" from Minnesota.

This guy besides having the bluest eyes ever (they had to be contacts) did some ridiculous magic tricks. I'd be holding two cards, he'd tap them with another card, and the two I was holding would be completely different when I turned them over. Ain't that a B? Run-on sentences are the way to go.

Mike Harvey was talking shit on my chugging skills, so let's put on the gloves and step into the ring.

Without spilling! A true win. Dr. Chiba, XIV- 1; Mike E. Harvey- 2. And I'm sorry, but that is a gay gay pose Mikey!

Here are my teammates for keg laps. Who invented keg laps anyway? You have to run around the keg, chugging the whole time. So we have physical exertion, getting dizzy, and chugging non-stop. Guess what that does to the human body? I fouled out. Twice. And it was a bad bad foul out, though not as bad as the girl who shat herself at the house a couple months back.

Our main objective was to beat Dave- 7 laps for him; 7 and change for me. Don't remember what the other guys got since I was fouling out at the time.

Forgot the deal I made with Lizzie McGuire to get her to do braided pigtails, but it looks like I still have money in my wallet, the shoes on my feet, and God with the deed to my soul. Good going.

Let me clear up a misconception that people have- my name is Yasu, not Yasus. The "s" in my screenname and website denotes possession. Get it right, or I'll tack on an "s" to your name. How would you like that my little chinchilla?

It's the break dance competition and here's Batman doing the C. I wanted to see some real break dancing. Remember when Rufus and those guys used to break dance during lunch in high school? Now those were the days.


Saturday, May 8, 2004

Charles is fucking amazing. We needed tools and equipment that neither of us would ever use again, so why not take advantage of Kragen's generous return policy? And Charles showed me how to take zip ties off without cutting them! That was a Jesus caliber miracle.

7 hours later, my red BMW Motorsport seatbelts, short shifter and tranny mounts are installed. All while Huens and I read pop culture magazines and played left handed catch.

Jenn: "Excuse me there Big Dick Ben, can I get some attention in this love triangle?"

Only 3 pictures for the night? That's right this is probably the drunkest I've gotten in 2004. Hard to believe, but for some reason I got so fucking drunk that I remember playing poker for a few minutes and going to the U, but nothing in between. Jim Beam tastes like poison. This is what happens when you try and kill a handle with 2 guys with the occasional helper. Something's wrong when you get unbelievably drunk with the company of 3 other dudes for most of the night.

Ben for some reason got really mad at me and told me to eat a dick because I was taking pictures of "just him." He claimed I took 15, however that number was definitely closer to 2. And by closer, I mean I took 2.


End of night.


This sucked unbelievable dick. Last night I was driving home from Charles' house when I hit a small cat going about 60 mph. I thought a cat wouldn't do too much damage, but Huens made me pull over and what do I see but my grill loose, both fog lights popped out and my fan destroyed. The weird thing was there was no blood, only fur. $1719.50 later, Big Bird is bbbbcaw'in again, however let me tell you one thing- don't ever go to Steven's Creek BMW for service for they are truly fucking awful.

A drunk driving simulator that I was real bad at (I won't lie I was so bad the guy made the car handle like I was sober but I still couldn't hang). Tafter got to the construction zone, which I guess shows that he is a good drunk driver. Drunk driving is bad, please refrain.

For some reason I found this f'in funny that somebody just straight up threw a bike into the dumpster. I love living in an apartment because whatever you have, as long as it fits in the dumpster, you can throw it away there.


Friday, May 14, 2004

It's Vegas time, it's 1:30am (why the fuck did we leave that early?) and I have first shift with Jeffer as my navigator. I was afraid that a driver would fall asleep at the wheel, so we made three rules- switch drivers every 2.5 hours, the guy sitting shotgun cannot fall asleep, and the navigator cannot be the next one up to drive. Our system worked beautifully.

While Ben is peppy, alert and ready to take pictures of ebony she-males, Chuck is asking himself why he decided to stay up for days on end without chemical stimuli.

Catch Phrase goes mobile! Jeff and I dominated and made ourselves a hefty $2. I guess I'll go to the slots with the earnings.

We were running out of diesel so we had to stop at this gas station that charged $3/gallon. WTF.

We're in Vegas! The Boardwalk aka HQ to be exact. We walked around on the Strip for a bit and ate at the wonderful buffet to kill time cause the check in time was 3pm. The buffet at the Boardwalk might be one of my favorite things in Vegas- all you can eat bacon, country fried steak, fried chicken, sausage and other breakfast foods. It truly is beautiful.

The pool at the Hard Rock. People watching at its finest is what I say. People said that there was a guitar shaped pool, but all I found was this dinosaur shaped one.

As you can imagine, there were some ridiculous looking girls (one skeezer was making out with a mom and daughter I won't lie it was pretty awesome). Another dude went into the pool, squatted down for a bit and then immediately stepped out. Obviously he just pissed in the pool, and didn't give a fuck who knew. And that dude was named Thomas Huens. Just kidding.

Spectacular view. When I got tired of people watching sans binoculars, I looked off in the distance and reveled in the tangible dreams of the mob and Steve Wynn.

Ain't much, but we spent all of 30 minutes in the room. Gambling here we come.

"I've never taken a cab before." Who are you?

Charles, Jeff and I decided to go off on our own and gamble at the Excalibur. Excalibur is sick I always win money here. Anyway we send Jeff to get a cab and he walks off and the next thing we know he is with 3 dudes so Charles and I saunter over and one of the guys says, "We're just telling your friend here he is HOT!" And they scamper off.

Third time's the charm, I'm definitely getting a private stripper tonight in our room.

After a careful screening process which was exhaustive due to the overwhelming number of cards given to me on the Strip looking for my business, I chose Courtney because of the low price plus she doesn't look too broke.

I am retarded. I called and the girl who answered was like, "Oh Courtney? It so happens she's available." What a coincedence. By then I should've figured out that the girl on the card wasn't coming. To make a long story short, this broke ass "stripper" came up to our room. Let me describe her to you she had a silver tooth and fucked up teeth. I give her $50, and she says, "So what do you want me to do?" "Well," quips the Marquis of Oxenford, "aren't you a stripper? We'd like a show you wench." The following put all of us in literal shock: "Uh... to tell you the truth I don't dance. I don't know how. I suck dick and fuck." Well, now that we got that out of the way, I asked her (out of curiosity of course) how much she charged. $260 for a blowjob, $500 for a fuck. Can I film? Sure, from the neck down. What if I gave you a million dollars? "I'd fuck all 6 of you for a million dollars." Then we asked her about her job and she told us how much she likes money and her Caddy on dubz.

I know, I know this is worthless without pictures but we were all in such bewilderment that the thought didn't occur to us. "Courtney" called her service who said that 2 strippers would be right over. Well we waited and waited and called and called and finally one showed up who also was pretty broke. She proceeded to ask for $600, and we're like uh... we were thinking tipping a dollar here and there. Since I was already out $50 I'm like f this, can you give us a 5 minute show for $50? She's like sure, however only 3 guys were down to pay money, and we only came up with $33. So what I should've asked is can you give us a 3 minute show for $33? Live and learn.

I got paranoid as fuck because we kept on calling because we thought that the other girls wouldn't show up and Courtney ran off with my money. I thought that the service would get annoyed and send pimps to beat us up. So for preventative measures I went ahead and hid my watch and money in my socks.

What kind of trash just leaves a cigarette in someone's drink? Oh right... a dirty Vegas stripper named China.


Saturday, May 15, 2004

Nice you can gamble and drink while still in the pool. I wonder how many people decide to piss in the pool because the bathroom is too far. This is a legitimate question because in the casino it's a B to walk over to the restroom every x amount of minutes due to heavy consumption of the Prince, Buddy Light (now with new bottle uniforms).

Gary is fucking awesome. Here we are playing War, a casino game that Tafter discovered. Basically, you get dealt a card and if that card is higher than the dealer's you win. If you have the same card, you go to "war." Best game ever. Gary made me mucho money plus told me a great strategy for roulette.

Chuck called me Dr. at the table and Gary's like you're a doctor? Is this shit normal? Look at his hands he's like a mofoin' raptor. Not rapper like Eminem, but raptor like the dinosaurs on my comforter.

Horse races are mofoin' intense. I don't know shit about horses so I gave Jeffer $10 to bet for me, and he won me $61.50. He bet $12 and made $125. Good job we need to go to Bay Meadows!

The reason we're all here is it's Dallas' birthday and his baller father got us 3 rooms at the Hard Rock on Friday and 2 rooms at Treasure Island on Saturday. Happy Birthday Dallas and thank you Bill!


Sunday, May 16, 2004

Why am I so sad?

This is the third time I've come to Vegas and left with absolutely no cash on me. I was up during the day at the Hard Rock and lost it all. You'd think I'd learn. And I did. I'm never going to Vegas again. Well maybe I'll come back, but when I find a hot casino I have to stay there.

Here's my bedmate Ben. In the morning Charles and Jeff were coming to a consensus that they were surprised that I wasn't kicked out of the casino the previous night. The pit boss came up to me twice to tell me to stop using the "F Bomb." As you know, I swear. A lot. Then I started to yell every time I got dealt a good hand, and was being an obnoxious asshole. One guy was trying to hit on Charles and said that it was his first time in Vegas and he'd like to see a spectacle. The spectacle being me getting kicked the f out.

And if I didn't feel bad enough already I see that I didn't finish 2 beers. By finish I mean even take a sip of. I don't remember but I probably bought these too, Jesus H.

Almost everyone in the group was up, however Charles and I lost a substantial chunk of change. Not good, not good. I think I'll go ahead and not tell my parents about this trip.

Even though Bric didn't drink, he looked the most hung over. Being sick does that to you!

Have you seen the water park on the 15 in the middle of nowhere? It was a bad proposition the second the idea entered the mind of the fool who created this. First of all people coming back from Vegas are too depressed to play in water and kid's pee; they are in a hurry to buy a gun to shoot themselves, and people on the way to Vegas are too excited to stop. Plus they aren't 6 years old.

Some entertainment, throwing water balloons at Andy's AMG, with people giving us thumbs ups!

I bitched and moaned all week about the drive, but it actually was real fun, the ride back more so. It was a good bonding experience. Stay tuned next week for my 21st birthday plus my party.



May 17, 2004

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