The Marquis of Oxenford: What Legends Are Made Of

I've been waiting to be 21 for a very long time. Now that I've reached this age, I have no birthdays to look forward to. I guess I can rent a car at 25, but that's not that cool. My birthday party was fun, however the combination of Chuck being Hitler on IDs plus the karaoke DJs f'n up made it kind of a B. Oh and me being the most obnoxious asshole ever. If I ever get on the mic like that again I give anyone and everyone permission to slap me. And is it bad that I didn't tell my parents about my party? Oh well I'm sure they'll figure it out in the near future.


The pizza guy was f'n ridiculous. Instead of backing out of the driveway like a normal person, he Austin Power'd it and somehow pulled the car around in our driveway. I don't know whether to be amazed at his stupidity or his driving skill.

Don't ever buy Jack Daniel's Single Barrel. Jake got it freshman year and was horribly disappointed, and I don't know why I thought it'd be any different for me.


Wednesday, May 19, 2004

Well it's my 12:01 and since the guys are all being cooters and are still sick from Vegas, I resorted to having a tele-drink. A little pathetic, I know.

Here's my good friend I was tele-drinking with, one Stephen R. Burkholder in Sweden and drinking a rum and coke at 9am.

Well I'm 21, I've bought liquor, now let's go shoot handguns. People were telling me that I couldn't shoot a .45 cause I'm small however the kick between a 9mm and a .45 wasn't that different. I'm definitely buying a 1911.

Here's Daoro singing "Happy Birthday" to me with her friend. And no we didn't pay the guy who wrote it cause that asshole must've made enough money on royalties as well as having international fame. A little jealous? Yes.

We were 30 minutes early so let's duck into Quizno's for warmth and a Coke to mix some Jack in.

To celebrate the greatest man alive's birthday, our school put on a "Pub Crawl" where we take the train to Palo Alto and hop bars- F&A's, Gordon Biersch, Blue Chalk and Old Pro's. That was pretty considerate of them. By the way #2 was on this trip... too busy my ass. Oh well that's neither here nor there.

Harvey was talking to the guy in red forever. What were they talking about? Fashionable eyewear?

Quite a blurry picture, but Frankie kinda looks like Tarantino, the man _____ thinks is "beautiful."

This dude was pretty funny instead of walking to the bathroom in the train he just went ahead and pissed in empty beer bottles.

People do quirky things... like licking one's lips before making out with Thomas Sebourn, IV.

Stop #3: Blue Chalk. Why is Harvey stained already? I bet he chugged against someone, and lost again.

"Hey it's you! Yasu from! You're the greatest!"

Angel's a bartender now? He was kind enough to hook up Dr. Chiba with a free drink. I got so many free drinks this night and a lot of places didn't even check my ID. I should start scamming.

This cocksucker claimed he was John Candy's brother and I was like prove it show me your ID. He's like are you going to suck my dick? And he was serious. In essence a cocksucker was trying to turn another into a cocksucker. Amazing how that works. I should've iced him in an alley. And for all you privileged folk "iced" means kill not cock-suck.

One of my main men from back home, Mr. Phil Luna. And he bought me a shot of Johnnie Walker Black Label. High roller!

Don't really recall what was going on here but I'm pretty sure I was trying to get her to make out with Ben. She really wanted to but Tafter declined for some reason. The reason being she wasn't Ben-Taft-Hook-Up caliber.

Ay it's Jimmy Plunkett! And who is this but Bernard Wong. I used to run track against this guy in grade school. He was ridiculous fast. Probably still is!

Old Pro's. I walked next door to Nola's and was like hey it's my birthday can I get a free drink? And then they took away the drink I had in my hand and told me that they weren't going to hook up a free drink. So I told them to fuck themselves and to give me my drink back. Which they did, and I left.

Bleary eyed and filled with John Courage, Harvey and Sebourn are waiting to tackle the silver beast aka CalTrain.

Helping me walk, one step at a time.

WTF who are these people? I'm sorry this guy looks oddly familiar. And no it's not "Hey asshole you saw him last night" familiar.

"Then I did the quick reverse and pinned the former world champion, Tommy "Big Thumb" Moltisanti. That's how I am now the #1 thumb wrestler in the world."

Oh God who am I drunk dialing now?

Here I am blacked out in the parking lot at the train station. Good times drunky.

God I'm like a beached whale. Anyway I got unbelievably drunk and passed out with my shoes on (first time). Huens and Tafter had to get me prepped for bed. Thank you!


End of night.


I was perusing the course catalog while eating some Fast Delivery Pizza when I stumbled upon an Engineering course entitled "Heat Exchange." WTF it must be awful being an engineer.

The tub I used to shower in over at Ice. There's mold or some bacterial shit growing on it and I won't lie, it's gross as shit. Does everyone use shower shoes?


Saturday, May 22, 2004

Cohen brought me a great birthday present and no it wasn't a parakeet.

This is nice the Cal Phi day party gets broken up right before we roll over. What a nice waste of $5 I could've fed some poor child for 5 days. And this is a shout out to David Ray who was arrested for felony destruction of po-lice property.

Pregaming with the VDT (3/4 of the founding members are currently present!). Now that was a club that could've gone strong for decades however it doesn't really work when everyone transfers out.

My birthday party started with this- the A List. If you're on it, you're a cool dude or dudette.

I really really wanted to do scrolls for invitations but that plan went sour when I found out they would cost $10/each. That'd be like $1000 just on invitations. I'm no Paris Hilton so I just got some invitation cards from Staples and printed them out myself. Click on the picture to read what it says.

Here it is- Charlie Blair's, the location for my 21st birthday party.

Some of my best friends in the world. Coming from Mercer Island (oh stunner) and the SLC, Cohen and Book join their comrade in arms The Marquis of Oxenford to celebrate the greatest of all birthdays. Actually 16 was a gigantic deal for me too.

Holy shit Douglas is here with Jamie. I haven't seen this guy since we were shorties playing in the sand box. I guess they caught some heat coming in because they had the same last name- fake IDs? No just brothers.

Get that piece of paper out of your pictures there Dr. Chiba.

Trisha looks like she's having a good time, Lindsey like she just asked a flirtatious question and Kristen's like why is he taking my picture he better not sell it on the Entirenet.

Harvey said he'd rap "Notorious Thugs," but did he? I really don't recall. But I do remember Sebourn getting really into karaoke. Good work.

I felt bad for these girls because I promised them drinks however Chuck was being very harsh on underage drinking and at the time I thought that was a gigantic B but when I sobered up I realized he was just watching out for his bar. I really wonder how many people got thrown out.

Apparently Mona was very sneaky and snuck drinks in the bathroom and on the floor like we're in f'n high school.

I never knew Marshall has a hairy chest. Come to think of it, living with him for the entire freshman year, I don't think I've seen him once without his shirt. Perhaps he thought I'd get too excited?

Confirmed Hunnah. I think Dirty D was the first casualty of Charlie Blair's "Get the fuck out" tirade, but Hunnah came back for more. More what? More good times.

No fake ID... no fun. At least for these guys. And do I blame them for cutting out after like 20 minutes? Absolutely not, I would've done the exact same thing!

By this point, don't you think you would've seen a picture of Ben Tafter? That's right he was MIA because he gave a 20 year old Andy Solari a beer, Andy got kicked out, and when Ben was like, "It's my fault. Can you let him back in?" Chuck threw Ben the fuck out too. Then they got beer from the liquor store conveniently located across the street, drank some in the back of Ben's pickup, but was shortly kicked out of there as well.

I think this was the peak of the party around 10:30-11. I really wish I hadn't got so drunk and then I could've remembered all of this!

Christ get me off the fucking mic. I drank some Jack and was generally in a foul mood because of the fucking DJs so I used up all my "fuck" points in one night. When a gentleman is born he is given a supply of "fuck" points, which are not credits used to carnally know prostitutes, rather, it's the number of times one is allowed to utter "fuck" in a lifetime. I went ahead and used up all those points along with my "cooter" points this night. They started with turning my mic down but then they straight up took the mic from my hands. Thank God. I also hear I'd be singing a song and then start going, "These bitch DJs fucked me on my 21st birthday..." What a fucking jerk off I am. Cause the DJs were real nice people. Oh well what's done is done.

To get that Lear and 707 at his own house, Walt practices to become the next John Travolta. If he ever becomes that famous I will demand at the very least a dozen oysters or actually no I'd want a trained dog that would guard me with its life.

Jesus H. I was being an obnoxious asshole. I was reviewing video tapes the next morning and even I hated myself. I wonder how I manage to keep friends.

"There were smiles around to those who could booze, as demonstrated by Lindsey, Mona and Bjorklund."- Mike Ferd. "Here let me holla at some pics. I'm good at that sort of thing cause I'm an English major."

PBD and PBY, hollering at some Buddy Light, The Prince, just like old times, except 1) Burkholder, Emmett and Ted aren't here 2) it's not dark 3) we aren't in the cabana. Oh well times change and so do we.

MIA: David Ray. So I kept on calling the DJ company and here is what Figone told me I said during one conversation: "Hey I'm not trying to be a dick, and I'll certainly use you for my graduation party in the future, except that you suck SO bad. And no I don't want to call back tomorrow when I'm not heated. You will be receiving a call from AMEX saying, 'Fuck you. We're not paying.' Good night." I'm so goddamn awesome it is unbelievable.

In Cohen's video you can see Ferdie Bird put his arm around me, then he holds out his arms like WTF? Funny as shit cause it's in the corner you should see it.

Phil doesn't look too happy! Probably because he doesn't know anyone and is only here because he was throwing support for an old friend from high school.

You're royalty when you rock 4 names. Damn look at Fleming's watch it's all blinged out can I have it?

The dude on the right was our bouncer. Do you think he could've kicked your ass?

After professing my love to Kristen I guess I licked her face. What a weird mating ritual. I really have to stop licking people's faces. We're not Miyago the Cat.

I need to relax. So I called the DJ service in the morning and the guy immediately said, "Your check is in the mail." He definitely didn't want another angry call from one Dr. Chiba, XIV. With that money I think I'll hire another karaoke service and have it at the house. That'd be fun as shit.

Apparently Lindsay and Andy got me a bottle of wine with a carrier and card however I have no idea what happened to it. Hopefully Chuck still has it there. Or maybe I got robbed and I was so drunk I forgot about it. I wonder how blackout drunk you'd have to be to forget something as drastic as getting robbed.

"I look speechless in this picture with Laura. Me speechless? Not likely. I was probably yelling FUCK YOU or COOTER."- Ferdie Bird

I should've planned this better. Since I owe Charlie Blair $200 anyway I should've just bought $200 worth of pizza. Then we all could've become fat together.


My camera ended up breaking this night but thank God this picture turned out. This is probably one of the greatest pictures I've ever taken- it's the A*Teens pose, and it is fabulous and neat-o Dorito, the regular kind not the rolled. I'm very impressed that I remembered to ask them to do this.

That's right I'm so f'n awesome that I have celebrities coming to my party like Freddie Prinze Jr.

Back at Ice House for some more consumption of alcohol. I think parents in general would freak if they knew how much liquor their kids drink. But didn't they drink a lot as kids too? Or do they think as their kids, we are above that?

I'm guessing it's like 2am here. Nick has to leave for the airport at 5:30. I bet that was one of the worst plane rides, ever. And I wonder if he just stayed up all night drinking or if he passed out for an hour and change. I'd almost think passing out for an hour would make it 10x worse.

Quit drinking asshole! And don't f'n chug! Fouled out twice, back to back.

But I wasn't as bad as Andy, as we can see he's not doing so hot.


End of night.


For some reason opening people's mail brings me intense pleasure. It's not so bad if you open mail that is sent to your apartment for someone that lived there previously, right? Well in one I found $10. I'm awesome.

My fucking camera broke during my party and that pissed me off ridiculously so I started to repeatedly throw it on the ground until it was taken away from me. I forget who took it, but he/she failed to realize it was broken anyway and I was just venting out anger and frustration in a destructive manner.

Kristen sent me this pic to show me Bently's sister, and I commented to Bently after seeing this that her sister looks nothing like her. I guess none of the 5 Taylor kids look alike, which leads me to ask, "Different fathers?" By the way that girl in the hot pink is ridiculously good looking who is she?

Are you kidding me? Burkholder met the A*Teens and saw them perform live. And this stunner got me a personalized autograph on the new single. Thank you thank you!



May 23, 2004

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