I Want To Marry Vanessa Carlton

These are actual CraigsList ads that I placed to sell all the shit I don't need after I cleaned out my garage. I have a whole box of stuff. I didn't link to the actual ads because they expire in 10 days, and YasusHouse is eternal. People seemed to think they are funny, so here is a "Best of." Enjoy. I used to have good luck selling things on the List before I tried to make them amusing, but with these current ads people probably think they are jokes or I am a psycho.


Pamper Your Feet Like in Jesus' Time- $10

We don't care about our feet enough. Back in the day, in certain parts of the world (SANDY), people would wash your feet for you! That feels great! Or if you're a guest at some stunner's house, his servant will take off your dusty sandals, bathe your tired feet (they did not have BMWs or Gulfstream 550s back then), massage your walkers and then put some nice smelling scents on them. That drives everyone the crazy.

 I bet people had nicer smelling feet then than now. Cause at the gym, I can smell some people's feet, even when they are wearing shoes. And I'm sorry, that is the gross. And makes me want to move, however if I'm 20 minutes into my run I can't quit. Hammer told me I was too legit to quit. Though back then I didn't really understand that.

 Speaking of not understanding things, my parents used to get me celebrity impersonators for my birthday. One year Batman came, and he had this little gun that shot some sort of flame ball out of it. What is it? It is the coolest thing I've ever seen, to this day. And I asked him where the Batmobile was, and he answered, "Hollywood." He thought that was clever, and I didn't get it then, but I understand it now. Haha mofo'er!

 Anyways, recreate the luxurious experience of the early AD era with this lovely foot bath. And don't worry, I have beautiful feet so you don't have to flinch at the idea of using someone else's footbath. And yes I can show you my feet when you come and pick up the item. You can also take pictures of my feet if you're into that. For extra, of course.



Oster Bread Make- Make all kinds- MONEY TOO - $10

You went to France, and you just fell in love with le boulanger. They have nice fluffy hats and friendly, jolly faces with the huge moustaches. Inebriated with the delicious scent of fresh baked bread, you decided that once you got home to Menlo Park, you'd go down to Le Boulanger on Santa Cruz Ave. and you'd pick one up. It may be expensive, however a personal baker may be worth $10,000.

 To your utter horror, they don't sell actual people at Le Boulanger, the best thing they have are those Veggie Omlette sandwiches. Which are fantastic. So you pick one up. And please buy me one when you come to pick up this bread maker. Thanks.

 DO THE NEXT BEST THING. Buy my bread maker, for 1/1000th of the price, and make your own bread. Then you can sell it to customers from your front porch (you do have one of those, don't you? they are fantastic, however they are incomplete without the rocking chair. and a grandma sitting in it, knitting with a cat in her lap.) Before you sell the bread, make sure to check your local laws. I don't want to get in trouble for giving you advice that happens to be illegal. It's not worth going to the Big House.

 See, make bread, the kind you can eat, and make the other kind of bread, MONEY. And buy me a nice gift after you make your first $10 million.



Sony Microphone Shaped Like an Ice Cream Cone - $10


 Now that I've cleverly enticed you into clicking my ad with ice cream, I have to tell you that this microphone is only kinda shaped like an ice cream cone. You thought you'd get an accurate reproduction, however I'm sorry to say that it's just a fully functional microphone made by that wonderful company, Sony.

 I won't lie, this microphone has seen a lot of use. You may remember me as an International pop sensation back in the 80s. I went by the name Clouse Stricker. And yes I can autograph it for you if you'd like. But I better not see it on eBay. When E! did a Hollywood True Story on me, I showcased this mic because my moms bought it for me working triple overtime @ the plastic factory down in Palo Alto so I could get some cheaper studio time.

 I sang my first hit single, "Pieces of Me" (yes Ashlee Simpson covered me and I'm getting a hefty royalty from that one) in front of a sold out crowd at Shoreline. I used it to record my first and only music video, "With You" (Jessica Simpson covered my song too... you can see a picture of me if you look real hard if you're into "Newlyweds"). So basically, it has a lot of sentimental value to it. But because like most child superstars, I am broke, I have to part with it.

 As a special deal, I will throw in some Ben & Jerry's Vanilla ice cream if you buy this mic. The only catch is that's it's extremely old and I let my cat lick it all over. So it'd be pretty gross if you ate it. But maybe you're training for Fear Factor so this is like Stage 2 of your training. Who knows? There are a bunch of weirdos out there. My cat is really cute.



Get Rid of Wrinkles (An Iron, not Botox) - $10

'ear me now. How many times are you at a party, a meeting, looking in the mirror, and say to yourself, "Dang that guy's shirt is extremely wrinkled. That is very depressing." That someone may very well be you! Unless of course, you are like me and love to iron. But I have a really nice Rowenta iron. It has a platinum base or something so it makes the ironing action real smooth. Makes every fabric feel like silk. Even linen!

 Anyway, this iron is more for folks "on the go" who don't spend an hour a day ironing like yours truly. If you ever watch Discovery Channel, you may have seen me. I'm the World Ironing Champion, and was not on a regular show like The Crocodile Hunter oh wait that's Animal Planet, but on an infomercial. You know how they have random celebrities to promote various things that don't relate to what they are famous for? Like what does George Foreman have to do with LEAN MEAN GRILLING MACHINES? Nothing. There's no love there. But I love irons. Although I'm not an international celebrity, I am very well known in the Homemakers' Circle, an organization that includes over half the US population.

 I promoted this on the show. You can just hang it up (no ironing board needed) and you can smooth those wrinkles away. All the ladies like that. Once I was in Beverly Hills I ran into none other than Alicia Silverstone, and she exclaimed, "OH MY GOD I LOVE YOUR PERFECTLY IRONED SHIRT! DID YOU STARCH THE COLLAR YOURSELF????" Why yes I did. You may be saying, "Pssshhh, Alicia Silverstone is played out." I neglected to mention this was back in like 1995, the "Clueless" days. So basically, I rule.

 To see this iron in action, LIVE, go to your local mall.

 NOTE: I could never get this iron to work like those dudes in the mall.



Would you like to be in the Guinness Book? Pogo - $5

Sipping on some fine whiskey, nearby a crackling fire and getting a wonderful shoulder rub from your signifcant other, you peruse the latest Guinness Book of World Records. Some seem so outlandish! Who can watch telly for 52 hours straight @ Denny's? I bet they ate a lot of bacon and chicken fried steak.

 Oh I have a little rant about Denny's- why don't they have a meal with bacon AND sausage??? Now when I get belligerently drunk on a Tuesday night and need some food, I can go to Jack in the Box, but sometimes a man likes to treat a lady to some sit down food, i.e. Denny's. But they don't have my two favorite foods in the world- bacon and sausage. Together in a set meal.

 Bacon and sausage are so delicious it makes me want to crap my pants, immediately if not sooner. If you ever need inexpensive lodging (when you're on a trek to find the treasure in Fargo- did you know that some Japanese woman thought the movie/treasure was real and went off to find it, but it was the cold, and she died. That's the sucks.) stay at Embassy Suites. Not only are the rooms pretty nice, but you get free breakfast, which is unlimited omlettes, bacon and sausage. And if you like to do the drinking, they offer complimentary cocktails at 5:30. A man can get fairly inebriated when the liquor is free, and if you are socially inept, things are said that are huge social faux pas.

 Do you like day drinking? I do it's so much fun. And when I combine it with people watching, it is the greatest time of my life.

 Anyway, back to the pogo stick. My point about the Guinness Book was that you can set the record for # of consecutive pogo stick jumps with this. It's very high quality, and the neon yellow and pink is icy hot; all the ladies/studs will love its stylishness when they take a picture of you with it. Think of all the money you can make off of endorsements! I made a little over $10 million, but adjusted for inflation it's like $100 million.

 I set the record back in 1997, however a little kid named Tommy demolished my record by a good 1 trillion billion jumps. That was the bad.

 If you are over 150 lbs, this is not for you. Lose the weight.



Celine Bag. Please don't confuse with Celine Dion. - $30

It is illegal to sell people nowadays in this country, so please don't think you're getting Celine Dion for $30. That would be the deal of the century. JC Penney is the only place with the BIGGEST SALE OF THEM ALL BTW. I haven't been there in a very long time. Remember when Bloomingdale's at Stanford used to be Emporium? That's a fun name. Back to Celine Dion. Not only does she have a voice like an angel, but she makes a lot of money. And by a lot I don't mean like when you find a $20 on the street and go, "Wow that's a lot of money to find on the street... OH LOOK THERE'S MCDONALD'S I'M GETTING A BURGER." I mean like millions of dollars. And if you owned her, that would all go in your bank account. I wonder if you'd have to pay taxes for that. I don't like the taxes, because Uncle Sam takes half of my money away. Which might be a good thing because if I had too much I'd probably buy something ridiculous like a singing telegram company. And I'd send myself a singing telegram every day. That would make me feel special.

 Why do people carry bags? Well you can put all sorts of things in it- lipstick, a 12 pack of condoms, a Bud Light, whatever. And be stylish while you're doing it, making yourself attractive.

 Did you know that people who have symmetrical faces are far more attractive than those w/o symmetry? I saw that on the Discovery Channel, and was blown away. That's an interesting little fact isn't it?

 I just got done watching Joe Dirt on the telly, and it was a fantastic movie. David Spade= the funny. I liked when he kissed that girl and he's all, keep the Skoal baby, that's what I'm talking about. I won't lie, I laughed. And "keep on keepin' on" is some good advice too.

 'ave you ever called a radio show for advice? I called WILD 949, the "party station," but wasn't invited to any parties. I axed them to play a specific song, but I guess they don't have A*Teens songs there. *shrug*

 Add this to your "bag" of tricks. OH SHHHNAP that was good.



Monster Video 3 Cable - $20

I think it's 60' or 100'. Some guy said he'd come by to buy it but he flaked. What is with all you flakey Craigslisters? I hate you. You make me wait at my house and you don't call, you don't show up. That makes me feel the sad, and I cry. You drive me to start drinking. In the dark, listening to melancholy music.

 You can use this cable if you suffer from paranoia like me and have video cameras all over the house so nobody can rob me. Unless you have a really big house, and then this length won't cut it. You're better off buying a big reel of cable. Or go wireless, but that's your perogative.

 If you ever go out in the woods and get lost, you can tie this wire to you waist, tie the other end to a faucet, and unless a wild ferret bites through the wire, you are free to roam around, get drunk, and you won't be lost.

 One other way to make sure you never get lost in the woods. Walk in a straight line. When you want to go back, turn 180 degrees and walk in a straight line back to your house.



General Use Multitool- BBQ Spatula - $5

Hello! To most people, this is only a BBQ Spatula. But to me, because I'm hella smart, I found a lot of other uses for it.

 A mirror, a weapon, part of my cook costume for when I go out in public, back scratcher, large spoon and a small surface to carry stuff around. Those are just off the top of my head.

 Mirrors are very important. I carry one around all the time. I found it at Long's. I was looking for a small mirror forever until I found this gem. See a lot of places had the mirror with makeup, however I'm a dude, so I don't need makeup. Just a mirror. I like girls w/o makeup too. There's this redhead at the gym who wears a ton of makeup while working out in her pajamas and she looks like a scary clown. And Carrot Top. See a mirror is useful because sometimes I get lost and I use it to signal rescue aircraft. And if you're on a date with a hot little lady friend named KT, you can make sure you don't have a bunch of food stuck in your gapped teeth. Due to my fine orthodontestry work, I don't have gaps in my teeth. Sometimes I dream about my teeth falling out, and that scares me.

 If you're relaxing in your backyard, BBQ'n some tasty ribs, some guy might come to steal the food and your money. Use the spatula to beat his face. It's made out of some type of metal, and has sharp edges, so it's almost like a katana sword. And it's kinda like a gun in that you can kill a potential robber turned corpse. That was morbid, I'm sorry.

 I like to wear costumes when I go out in public so people assume I'm something I'm not. Quite often I wear a mouse costume, but I have yet to meet someone who actually thinks I'm a mouse. They usually mistake me for Chuck E. Cheese, but that's my next door neighbor. We pizza together, all the time. That's right that's no typo. I made "pizza" a verb, meaning to make and eat pizza. I'm so clever. But when I carry this around when I'm in my cook costume, all these girls come flocking because they think I'll cook them food. And I do. I make wonderful pasta. See most people skimp and use some generic brand of sauce, however I buy the good stuff- the one with the meat in a jar. I make the best pasta ever. I'm so awesome. But sometimes my guests eat too much and they become obese. And since I have small doorways, that is a problem.

 As you can see, it still has the tag on it; it's never been used. Vanilla Ice used to wear hats with the tag still on it, but that's not my style.



UPDATE: This has become a CraigsList "Best Of." I rule.


Coach Bag. Classy and Sturdy. Impress Everyone! - $30

Why hello! You are a spectacular individual, and let me tell you why. Your intelligence got you into Hahhvarhd. But your compassion for others shows that you aren't a heartless, haughty B like many of the Harvard girls, as shown in Legally Blonde. And your beauty, well let's say you make Reese Witherspoon look like she OD'd on ugly pills, only to survive (because lawyers can do anything, have you talked to one recently) to live out the aftermath of ugliness.

 You need a bag that's like you. Classy enough to take even to the grandest of McDonald's in Rome, or Ruth's Chris, yet sturdy enough to give to a trainbound hobo and have him give it back to you 10 years later. Smelling awful, of course, but intact and ready to go.

 I know you don't need anything to help you get the nice young gentlemen callers, however this may be the extra "kick" to get a Super Stunner like Jude Law to holler. BTW that new movie looks very good, with the Gwenth P. in it. She always looks sad to me, even when she's smiling. I wonder what her story is. Have they made an E! True Hollywood Story about her? Because that's how I get all my information.

 I think I saw Vanessa Carlton at the VMAs with a bag that looked just like this. And she is a stylish one. And I really like her new song White Houses. I've been listening to it on repeat for like an hour. Is that too OCD?

 If you are scared of theft, you should stray away from this bag because everyone will be jealous of your stylishness. That's why I have to sell it. The attention is unnerving.

 It's a very nice bag. Please buy it.



Icy Hot Showerhead w/Arm. Story Inside. Please Read - $10

It's your first date in 7 years. It's been a lonely 7 years, please don't kid yourself. At least you always had a fast Entirenet connection so the porn was your friend. But back in the day, a 28.8bps modem really didn't cut it. Now with broadband you can download all sorts of hot porno, and very obscure types too. But we won't go into that; we're not in CL Rants & Raves.

 With the wide proliferation of Entirenet friend services like Friendster, you finally found a woman that responded to one your e-leghumping emails, usually started with OMG HI 2 U!!!11!!!!111 LOLZ! She's the hot in the pictures she sent you, and you are the excited.

 Usually you shower maybe once a week, because you live in your mom's basement, however you think it may be a good idea to bathe. That's where my shower head comes in. It has all sorts of different sprays, and that's the lovely.

 So you go pick her up in your Suzuki Swift GT, and she is actually pretty good looking. That makes you happy, and you go to the best restaurant that you know of- Red Lobster. It's a Tuesday, so it's Shrimp Night! Ordering the 45 shrimp- scampi, lemon pepper fried and popcorn, you devour it in 5 minutes whille your date looks around, embarrassed. Oh did I forget to mention that you are wearing one of those tuxedo t-shirts. And she is kinda trashy too so she is wearing a fake big boob shirt like in Joe Dirt.

 Anyway, during the date you discover that you both share the same passion- Entirenet porn. That's hot.

 You take her back to your place, and she says she wants to shower with you, and you are excited because 1. you've never seen a girl naked (except your ma and grandma) and 2. the new shower head you bought from me makes all the girls wet.

 She gets naked, and turns out to be a dude. Sorry dude.



1 12V Car Plug Turns into 3! Magic! And Blue Light! - $10

You've seen David Blaine, right? He's the dude that can float! And he stayed in a box for a long time, but that trick kinda sucked. And by kinda, I mean it was awful, mmmmmkay? Well one trick that is popular among magicians in the federation is to make 1 thing turn into more. Like Jesus, he turned a few fish into enough to feed a bunch of people. I can do that too, but I don't like to touch fish because it makes my hands smell bad. So I usually feed the masses with bananas. Even when they turn all brown and gross you can eat them and not get sick. Which is sick, in that good way.

 This little device turns one of your pathetic 12V cigarette plugs into 3. So you can have a cell phone, iPod, and the attached light running at the same time. You love it.

 Included is this little cool blue light. Have you seen The Fast and the Furious? It's straight out of that. You can bask in the blue light, bust out some glow sticks, and start dancing to ATB in your car. People driving next to you might laugh though. That'd make you feel bad, wouldn't it? Or they might lose control of the vehicle when they lose control of themselves to laughter. If they die, you have that on your guilty conscience. So basically, don't dance in your car.

 Or if you are scerrrrrred of the dark, you can leave the light on. I realize that most modern cars have lights in the cars, but are they blue? No they're not. And if blue is your favorite color like me, it's a perfect gift to yourself.



Canteen- Survive in the desert. Or put liquor in it as a big flask. - $10

Do you ever get really thirsty? Water is like the best cure for that. When I used to travel around the world looking for treasure, I've gotten lost in the Sahara a few times. Did you know- Sahara means "desert." Holla atcha boi, I am the smartest person you will ever meet.

But this little canteen full of water saved my life. And it could save your life too, if you go camping or something and need to drink clean water. I don't like how big companies like Macy's is branding water and selling it for a significant profit. Do you think the Big 3- Gucci, Prada and D&G will get in the water game and sell a little 12 oz. bottle of branded water for $10? I bet they would sell. A lot. There are a lot of tards out there who are all about spending obscene amounts of money to lure pretty young things straight out of Georgia, spouting out, "I'm hella rich."

Or if you have a son who just joined the boy scouts you can give it to him as a present.

Do you like to drink? Oftentimes a flask just doesn't cut it. I'm a cheap guy and usually bring beer or a flask into bars because it's not awesome paying $5/drink. If I were a hot girl it'd be nice cause I'd get drinks bought for me left and right. My friends like to go to bars and it's retarded because we have a place to drink, yet they insist on going out to a bar, to sit with the same people, but pay a significant amount more to drink the same stuff. I don't get it. But sometimes I solve that problem by bringing in some EverClear with this canteen. If you drank all that 'clear, that would get you the drunk. Think of it as a big flask. And bigger is better. Unless we're talking about cell phones and computers.



Specialized Bike Pump & A Tangent... kthanxbye Style - $10

A neat little Specialized branded bike pump. It can handle 2 types of inner tubes- the normal ones and the thin ones found on stunner bikes.

You can also pump up your balls using that little metal thing. But that's not included. And I'm talking about footballs and basketballs, not your testicles.

Those types of pumps can usually be found at porno stores like the Turquoise Love Shack on El Camino near the Hanky Panky. But they painted it so the name doesn't really fit any more.

For one of my friend's birthdays we bought him a "Fireman" edition male pump, however he refused to take it, saying his dong was already huge.

Speaking of the Turquoise Love Shack, one time we bought a dildo there (they are the expensive!). I think it was called the Eliminator or something. Anyway we put it in our friend's (Dante) mailbox with an attached note saying something like I hope this is what you wanted, Love Bruce. We called it the O5 Revenge.

The next day Dante picked one of us to go to the library and he was fuming. He's all, someone put a dildo in my mailbox! Roger played it cool, going WTF who would do that? And the Dante's all, "YOU THINK I GET THE MAIL???" When I 'eard the story I laughed and laughed for hours. I could just imagine his father standing in the living room, holding it up like in Lion's King when they are lifting that little lion on the cliff, with his little sister and mom idly standing by, staring at their feet.

When we graduated high school we each put a letter of "dildo" in our respective notes to him. Good thing "dildo" has 5 letters cause there was 5 of us. Anyway, that was hilarious, and we rule.



The Most Entertained You Have Ever Been- Bug Trap - $5

There's a whole world out there your peanut little brain can't even begin to comprehend, but we don't need to go there. You are content drinking Budweiser, rocking on your patio. Why not spice up life and make things more fun? Watching your dog Grover run back and forth was cool for like 4 years, but now you need more stimulation, so you've begun to shell walnuts during your nightly "get so drunk I almost get arrested every night" escapades.

Why not buy my bug trap? You can't afford a telly, but I bet you can afford this. Check it, I'll even write you a mini pick your own story to illustrate how cool this thing is.


You come pick up the bug trap at my house in your rusty Dodge, spit Skoal all over my driveway, and buy the item from the greatest man you will ever encounter. You are driving home, and are hungry.

Do you:

A1) Drive to KFC. There's a close one, and you think you know how to get there.

B1) Drive home.


A1- While driving around looking for it, you hit a pedestrian and are booked for a DUI and attempted manslaughter. You are owned, and HAHAHAHA I laugh at your misfortunes.

B1- Good call. You go home, make yourself a delicious Marie Callender's Chicken Pot Pie. You are full, so you take a 3 hour nap, because you are also the laziest person alive. After awaking, you put up the bug trap. Realizing the cord is too short, you go to your basement and find an extension cord. It is frayed.

Do you:

A2) Just use the frayed cord.

B2) Steal one from your neighbor.


A2- You plug the trap into the extension cord, and the extension into your wall socket. It works, although it's what we call "pleasantly ghetto." You have a grand time that night, the anticipation of bugs flying around, coming dangerously close to the killer light. The thrill of the *ZAP* and smoke of the kill, the agony of when a bug flies away, into your Budweiser. You pass out, and during the night the frayed cord starts to spark and burns your shanty down. HAHAHAHA I laugh at your misfortunes.

B2- You go to your neighbor's to steal it, however you forget that he's caught you stealing things before as well as saying lewd things to his daughter. Once you're on his property, he starts shooting, and kills you. HAHAHA I laugh at your misfortunes.


The moral of this story? Don't be a stupid drunk.



Magnetic Dart Board- Be the Cool Kid in Your Dorm! - $5

You're moving into your new dorm (well I guess you'd have to be going to a quarter system school if you haven't started already) and need to put up those stereotypical dorm things. Because you want to be in, you want to be cool. You dropped 100 pounds since HS, got contacts, and dyed your hair. And changed your name from Pubert Harold Barnsworth, V to Colonel Beef Wellington. You got the cool posters, like the Belushi "College" one, and one of those Beer- Letting Uglies Do the Nasty Since 1873 ones. Now you are looking for a dart board.

 But not just any dart board. You have an aversion to normal darts because of something that happened in high school. You were invited to a popular girl's birthday party, but only because you've known her since Day 1 and her parents made her invite you. She is ridiculously good looking, and her name is Sarah Wright. You are extremely excited, and make a complete ass of yourself at the party, saying the most inappropriate things like, "Nice party Sarah, but I would've done it at Hooters. Those chicks have the biggest boobies! OMG HI 2 U!!!!!!!!111!! Pics or ban!" Everyone strays away from you, so you decide to play darts by yourself. But you are a tard and cannot throw a dart straight at all, and end up hitting Sarah in the face. She is horrified and in pain. You are shunned at your high school for blemishing such a beautiful face. Sarah Wright goes on to play Paige on the FOX show, "Quintuplets." Viewers, if you look closely (only if you have HDTV, analog viewers need not apply), you can see a dart sized scar in the middle of her eyebrows like those Indian woman dots.

 Anyway, sorry for the tangent. This Dart Board uses magnets (you do know what those are don't you?) to connect the darts to the board. The most damage you can do is temporarily hurt someone. No scarring up in here.

 So you buy it, but everyone thinks you're a huge homo anyway. HAHAHA I laugh at your misfortunes.

 Moral of the story is: It doesn't matter how you look or how much weight you've lost. If you're a homo, you're a homo.



Big Box of Videos - $5

I have a bunch of VHS tapes, some original movies, but mostly things I've recorded (no you will not find any personal tapes, those are hidden in my personal archive at the Vatican).

 This is a spectacular deal. You get a bunch of movies to watch when you're bored, and also when you're done with them, you can use the tapes to record your favorite shows since you're too broke to afford Tivo. Check it- you can record all of the Wonder Years! And no Paul from Wonder Years isn't a dude in Marilyn Manson's band. That is a common misconception. But I researched it at the Stanford Library and found it to be false. What do you think about that sucker?

 Or you can use these tapes for cladestine operations, like selling high quality porno to your friends at school. You can innocuously hand off The Mask to Jimmy, the kid who paid you a good $5. If any teachers see it, they will think oh how cute The Mask is such a great comedy! But if they saw it, they'd be like, OMG what is this? There's a hot blonde, and a dude in a mask, and a dog, but this ain't no comedy. HAHAAHA I'm a comic genius.

 Hmmm, what else can you do with a bunch of video tapes? It's almost Halloween- you can rip the actual tape from each cassette, and wrap yourself up in the black goodness, to make a "dark mummy," to combat the evils of the usual white mummy. That would be a kickass costume. It'd be waterproof, so you can spill all the beer on it you want and it won't soak you. And if you end up wetting yourself, nobody will know because it will be self contained.

 I have a would you rather for you. Would you rather soil yourself, very evidently, when you're sitting in the back of a small classroom and the exit is in front, or piss yourself in a big ass class when you're in the back of the room 6x throughout the year?

 Oh it doesn't come with the tupperware box either I need that to store my Michael Jackson memorbilia in.



Skateboard + A Story About You, kthanxbye Style - $20

Check it. You are on your old ass computer looking at craigslist, because it's like the one website that's actually funny and doesn't use pictures. Pictures overload your pathetic computer and it breaks. You come across my ad, because the title is so intriguing. You've also read some of my other ads (which by the way are stupid fresh, search "kthanxbye" and you'll see all of them) and found them hilarious. You like my board, but lack the necessary $20 to complete the transaction.

What to do? You panhandle. You've seen those suckers standing on the left turn lane @ Stanford on the El Camino turning onto Alma. From what you've seen, they get at least a dollar every light, so they must make around $30/hour. Which is $10 more than you need. You wear raggedy ass clothes anyway because you mom is Raggedy Ann, and you make yourself a sign, "OMG HI 2 U!!!11!!!!! I NEED MONIES!!!! OH NOES!!!!" Surprisingly, people actually give you money, and you know have $30 after jiving for an hour.

You come to my house, stand in awe of my ridiculousness, and buy the board. And start practicing. You are actually kinda good, and your friends enter you in a local skate competition, which you win. And you keep on entering bigger and better competitions, until you're at the X Games with the Bird Man, no not Baby from the Big Tymers, Tony Hawk, from Tony Hawk. You win the Gold, and that is the climax of your life.

Now you think you are the #1 stunner, and go on an all out coke/meth/crack binge. Pretty soon your hot hot hot wife and kids have left you, and you have nothing. You've even lost an arm to your savage intravenous drug usage. But you do have $10. And remembering how you made an extra $10 panhandling, you think to give it to me, because I made you.

I take the $10, look at your miserable body, and HAHAHAAAH I laugh at your misfortunes. And send you on your way.

Moral of the story: Don't think you're better than you are. You will become a drug user, and then when you come to me for help, I will only HAHAHAH laugh at your misfortunes.



Walkie Talkies- Not those trendy Motorola ones - $10

Back by popular demand, here's a little pick your own adventure.


You are thirsty. Do you:

A) Drink milk.

B) Drink a pop.


A- You drink a half gallon of milk, and feel extremely bad, and soil yourself. Because you are lactose intolerant. HAHA I laugh at your misfortunes. You spend the rest of the day huddled in a corner in your own stink.

B- Picking up a nice Coke, you go to your computer and stumble upon my ad on CL. You immediately decide you want my walkie talkies. But since you are a huge loser, you still live with your parents with no car to call your own. What do you do:


A) Wait until your ma and pa comes home, ask one of them to drive you to my house.

B) Hitch a ride with your friend and neighbor, Randy McCullins.


A- Your father got laid off that day for sexual harrassment (of another man btw) and is in a foul mood. You are socially inept, and don't realize that he is fuming. He gets in the door, slams it, and yells something that I can't write here. This ain't no "Rants and Raves." Getting in his face with garlicy breath, you say, "Ay yo pops take me to this dude's house to buy some fly walkie talkies!" He is drunk, and punches you in the face. HAHAHAHA I laugh at your misfortunes. You wait until your mother comes home, but it happens to be the day she was going to tell your dad that she's been having an affair with the 17 year old kid down the street. She tells you and your pops, and that is just too much information, and he spontaneously combusts. You're like, "Oh damn" and run to get a camera. You hate the bastard anyway. You get busy taking pictures and completely forget about the walkie talkies.

B- *ring ring* Randy: Hello? You: Pick me up, immediately if not sooner. Randy: Ok, but I have something to do too. You: *hang up*

He picks you up, and looking at the backseat, you notice a handgun and a shotgun. You ask what they are for, and he tells you it's your lucky day, you are going to accompany him to rob a bank. You like the idea, and tell him you got just the thing to help with the situation- walkie talkies. Y'all come and buy the items from me, and I leave you with a smile and a wave. You drive to the bank, rob it, and live merrily after with Randy. And you tell him how much you love him, and he tells you he loves you too.




Wireless Walkman - $30

Having a fabulous voice and a knack for showmanship, but 10 years too late to join New Kids on the Block (oh you're in CA not Boston as well), you record many tracks on your dinky boom box. As the biggest narcissist who's ever lived, you only listen to your music. But you need something that will play your tapes on the go.

With my wireless walkman, you can keep the main unit in your bag or something, and just hold the receiver/earphones. That's hot. And almost magical. So here you are, getting on the MUNI, straight out of the Coca-Cola commercial, singing your latest song, "I'm Ecstatic to be Me" when P. Diddy (yes sometimes he rides the bus to "keep it real") hears your wonderful voice and asks you to come to his studio for an audition.

For the audition, you write another song, "I'm Better Than You, and You and I Both Know It." P. Diddy loves it and signs you to a new addition to his record label- Bad Boys Who Loves Theyselves. After recording your debut album, "I Am So Ridiculously Good Looking People Think I Am An Alien," you see it go triple quadruple platinum. Rolling in the money, you buy what you've always wanted- a gigantic, marble statue of yourself, like one of the 7 Wonders of the World.

Basking in all your glory, you get a phone call from me. I demand you give me at least $100 million because I started your whole career by selling you my walkman. You happily oblige, and I am $50 M richer (uncle sam took the rest). That makes me unbelievably happy, and I go on a gambling trip to Las Vegas, to where else, The Sahara. I clean that place out with $600 million. Always double down on A, sucker. Unless the dealer's showing an A too.

Well I am one of the wealthiest people EVER and now you can see me in Forbes.





September 14, 2004

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