Bam Bitch. We're Back.

What is up bitches. Y'all have a nice summer? I did, and that's all I really care about, since I primarily look out for about 3 people- Dr. Chiba, Dr. Chiba and Dr. Chiba. But I guess it'd be good for you if you had a nice summer, tanning on the beaches of St. Tropez and jetting home in the Gulfstream 550. You would impress me, greatly, and I would have to ask that you take me for a ride in it because I am only stunning a Gulfstream 500. The extra 950 miles in range helps out when I'm out touring the world spreading the joy that is me. This quarter is going to be my hardest, and that sucks. Please don't laugh at my misfortunes. At least not to my face. This was probably my hardest update ever; I had a hard time coming up with captions due to many factors like a deadline and my borderline narcolepsy. So if this update isn't up to par, I apologize.


Friday, September 17, 2004

This intrepid news reporter co-authored an article on me for the school newspaper. It's about time. I am so wonderful.

"WTF did he just try and make you two kiss?" I've tried numerous times, but have never been successful in bringing oral union to two individuals by pressing their heads together. Have you?

For my picture in the newspaper I think I'm going to do a piggy with the aid of some Scotch tape and the chipmunk with the aid of a napkin. Here's Jaclyn touching my nose and showing the world her bling.

Look at this S party. JC is you sad that next year your sisters will be gone, never to talk to you again? If you are, I don't think I will laugh at your being disassociated from the S family.


She had some spectacles on her head like Mother Goose, and I asked her why she wasn't wearing them. She thought her eyewear wasn't fashionable enough, but we can clearly see here that's not the case. So unbelievable it usually leaves me speechless, Berlin's "Take My Breath Away" style. Respec.

In Bio class we measured our fat with these calipers and the first few times I was measuring 40+ mm. That was off the chart, so I concluded that I was morbidly obese, which made me smile upside down. BTW if any of you really skinny or really fat bitches can use/won't notice some extra fat you can have some of mine. I no longer need it to brave brutal Alaskan winters. I'm over it.

 Dave Ray wants exposure on The House, so he can impress y'all with his signature magic trick, "The Miraculous Stink Finger."

Brett says that helmets are for bitches. And jackstands are for bitches. But his car fell on his foot when he wasn't using jackstands, so only time will tell if he bites it sans helmet on the Harley.

Have you seen the red Ferrari 360 Modena Spyder that some kid drives around, always with another, younger looking dude? What's his deal? Does he go to SC? Kids who drive Ferraris impress me, however when they wrap the car around a tree thinking they are sick but not knowing how to control the 4 wheel drift, I will laugh at their misfortunes.

That could be grounds for sexual harrassment. But she's European, and they're not big on lawsuits like people are here. So keep on keepin' on.


Saturday, September 18, 2004

Day drinking, and freshmen-girls-moving-in-with-their-families watching. These suckers set their alarms to get here in time, around 11. Huens and I casually strolled in around noon.

Here's the view I had for hot hot hot. Though I will say this, since most people were across the street, I couldn't really see anyone's face since I didn't have binoculars. Would that have been weird? I think so. They could've been Monets, and that makes me sad. That is to say, good from afar, but far from good.

Huens was bitching and moaning about it being cold, and I laughed at his problem solving skills. Cold = get a sweatshirt. Problem solved. Or if you are extremely cold, like hypothermic, get in a sleeping bag naked with another naked person. I sure hope that the person is some hot girl or a really good friend, cause I don't even lend friends CDs.

I thought that this picture was kinda hot. Do you love it?

Your RV is blocking my view and that is unacceptable. I've always wanted a camper. I could hire someone to drive it, invite some people, and have a party on wheels.

 Would you agree with this statement- champagne for my real friends, real pain for my sham friends?

An unnamed mystery man was driving by in the golf cart and I'm like, "Hey yo _____ drive these fuckers to Safeway." And he did.

To protect the identity of the driver of the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (which by the way I thought was a good movie, I don't know what you bitches are thinking) I have put a nice white box over his face. I'm no Photoshop expert. Though I could be, because I am the best. High end programs don't intimidate me.

Ben and Bric start walking around handing out beers to parents. This guy was tight he took it, no questions asked, popped it, and casually started to chop it up. And when the police rolled up, he refused to put it down until it was done.

3 police cars just to tell us that 1. having a couch on the lawn is against the law. I like this law, because it serves to keep trashy folks out of our neighborhood. Refridgerators, a Hemi RoadRunner on blocks, a couch... these are not decorative lawn ornaments. And 2. I guess you can't drink in view of the public. I saw this on "Cops" once but everyone else is like, "No no you can." But see, I was right once again. Well, the police were cordial and nice, so of course we obliged with a quickness.

"Don't shit in my mouth and call it a sundae."

A hard day of day drinking takes it out of you. Which is why I chose not to partake. Drinking during the day gives me headaches unless I keep going. But I wanted to go big this night (i.e. not passing out at 11), so day drinking wasn't in the cards.

Here are our 2 Spanish exchange students living at the back house, together like Salt 'N Peppa. Though I never understood why it wasn't Salt, Peppa and Cumin. There were 3 of them! And a name like Salt 'N Peppa kinda denotes a white girl and a black girl. Oh well. The one in pink is Uxua, and y'all have e-met Maider previously in the brown. She likes earth tones.

Turn ons: Burrrrrrberry sunglasses, Funyuns, brunettes turned blonde, metrosexuality.

Turn offs: FUPAs, house plants.

Good call. I cannot think of one instance where a FUPA is even remotely good. Except in the case of that one, right Huens and Sebourn? Ha. It's sad when your teacher is the hottest girl in your class.

"I'm Better Than You"

please don't take this as arrogance

while you are at the thrift store, shopping for bargains

i won't condescend you

that means i won't talk down to vous

damn that was all sorts of internationally aware

while you are an insignificant fruit, a pear

i am the most famous, the apple

but not an evil biblical one, a good one, like a lemonade Snapple

i got to cut this rhyme short because it's taken too much space

so i'll keep it succinct... peace

Lately I've been having some problems sleeping, and then come class time I want to die because I am so tired. Then in class it's exhausting trying to stay up when I am exhausted. What a bitch of a cycle. And then when I try to go to sleep early, I can't; I toss and turn. I hate my life.

Why are Solo keg cups almost always red? We got some yellow ones one time, and it was fly as shit. I should've kept some.

It's some SH gangsters. Look at Tarantino's face he got his ass kicked and now has a fat ass flaw on his forehead. Good thing his face was insured for $10M because this unbeautifier would hinder his modeling career with IMG. Now he's just waiting for the insurance to pay out, and he's going to buy something cool, like Mike Tyson. Y'all like my beer belt? I got mad respec for it. And by that, I mean I have respec for it and people also gave me respec.

Snow Princess, why didn't you go abroad? You could've gone to the Arctic and ruled. Did you know- it's called the Arctic because there are bears there, whereas Antarctica doesn't have bears. I am such a useful depository of information.

I remember hearing that Cristina's ma is Spanish so I made the introduction, and here they are chopping it up in said language. People who speak multiple languages inspire me. I inspire myself.

Steve, Ferd's little brother, was my "Most Anticipated Person to Meet." He didn't let me down, and perhaps Ferd E. Bird should look to Steve E. Eagle for stunning tips.

Tilting her head to peer at the hole in the ceiling, Vicencia ponders, "If you tilt your computer monitor, my head would be straight. Tee hee!"

"Uh oh. I think I just sharted."

Speaking of sharting, it's pretty bad. Would you rather shart yourself once a week, but at random, so it could be while you're asleep, for the rest of your life, or would you rather piss your pants 5 times- but on VERY inopportune occasions, like your wedding, or a huge job interview, or if you become famous, on the telly when you win an Emmy. HAHAHA I laugh your inability to control bodily functions.

Do you skip 2nd and 3rd while not racing? "Only when I'm not granny shifting, and double clutching like I'm supposed to, ha you almost had me haha."

Why is Flaherty wall-flowering it, staring at that hot girl in the pink? I was under the impression that he was no Lone Ranger, with his prancing horse Hi-yo Silver, away! More than you can afford pal, Ferrari. Vroom vroom.

In a capture of a brief moment of time, National Geographic photographer extraordinaire Dr. Chiba snaps an award winning piece of Dallas pointing away to have Christine focus on something else so he can make his getaway to the 15 gallons. Deception at its finest.

This girl's hot. There was one detractor, saying she looks like an old woman, however I laughed in his face and told him that his obvious lack of skill to judge beauty amused me.

Ben and Bric were pretending to be Brigitte and Flavor Flav from The Surreal Life. Which one is which? I'd go Bric is Flav, and Ben is Brigitte. Those 2 make me laugh. Y'all be surprised at the gem that drops next week on that show. BTW, I think Jordan Knight is awesome. He is so arrogant it entertains me. And Ryan Starr is as well. But she also strikes me as being

"Oh Bric will you really make me a grilled cheese afterwards?" After what? Please, some things are best left unsaid.

I don't know if this is the best picture of Mike, at least I hope not. This picture reminds me of those big eyed monkeys that just stare at you. It's very unnerving and I usually have to look away.


Sunday, September 19, 2004

Ferd found my credit card outside on the sidewalk. That could've been very bad, and somebody could've easily laughed at my misfortunes. Luckily it was not my AMEX Black.

Not only does JC have one of those silly magnet mattresses, she has 2 sets of sheets. So for the 2 hours that the sheets are in the wash, she can make her bed and be very Martha Stewartish. HAHA but she's in jail. I think she's going to end up making lots of friends in jail and eventually a lot of money when she makes a book about her rehabilitation in the Big House. You better recognize when my prophecy rings true, and then y'all will have to bow down to my clairvoyance. And then I will laugh at your inferiority. But I guess I can and do that already. HAHAHA, you amuse me clown.

I feel a tug on the backpack and hey yo look it's Julia Rose! What a surprise I thought she was in England dining with the Queen and Ali G. I was going to join them later because my peasants and serfs in Oxenford are becoming unruly and I need to go laugh at their poverty. Such is the life for a haughty Marquis.

First chug of the school year, and Ray beats me. How sad.

Keep it in Dr. Chiba, keep it in. Don't throw up on anybody. I forfeited twice because I felt the need to vomit on someone. So the score, including the forfeitures, is Dave- 4, Dr. Chiba- Countless.

Dave was talking shit the other night telling me I wouldn't put this on The House, adamantly believing I only put things that make me look good. HAHAHA I laugh at his naivete. The only reason I look good on The House and in real life is because I am fucking awesome. Please.

My gay ass should've been in bed at this point, however I got distracted. Since I had a 9:15 class the next day, I was planning to go to bed around 2. That didn't happen; I got black out drunk, and woke up in my clothes, the light on and my door open. For all you stupid fucks out there, I always lock my door when I'm sleeping so some gangster won't come rape me when I'm sleeping.

I was thinking aloud about t-bagging this bitch when he suddenly awoke and grabbed my balls. It sucked.

And I have to give a mention to this suckerness. A nameless girl had her 21st birthday tonight, and got really, really drunk. She missed all her first classes the following day. That sucks so much even I can't laugh at those misfortunes. But perhaps you can.


Monday, September 20, 2004

It's game night, and while they are playing poker...

We are playing CandyLand. I didn't know how to play poker then, but I do now thanks to the coaching of Ferd E. Bird. CandyLand insulted my intellect so we switched to Uno. Did you know- D. Fratto's girlfriend's dad invented it. Anyway, the last game we had like $8 in the winner's pot and I wanted to win very very badly because I am short on cash but I didn't.


Wednesday, September 22, 2004

While y'all are running the streets, I'm 9-5'n it taking many pictures. In my photo archive I think I have at least one picture of anyone who matters at SC. I should become a Corbis-like entity and start profiting off of my shutterbugginess.

Here's Molly on the right, my Hanson buddy. I don't really remember what I said about the band, however I hope it wasn't, "Did you see the MTV Cribs with Hanson? Only the older brother and the younger brother live together. Then in the middle another person came in and it was the middle brother. He looks like a girl. A really, really hot one."

Because Spain is all Leland talks and thinks about (the boy used to have a Spanish flag in the room), he was ecstatic to meet some Spaniards. Perhaps he should start breeding with some.

This is a shout out to all of y'all studying abroad: Laura Prickett the Cricket, Bently aka the BLT Sandwich, Figone, Conlin, MONA, Bjorklund, Biz Nasty, Rasmusson, Swigger, Serene, Caswell, T-Mo(bile), C. Fleming, Milo, Sierra Loves Lace, Lindsey Lantis the Praying Mantis, Marina, Duchess Daoro, Trisha and Mer the Care Bear with a lot of hair. I think that's everyone I associate with, if I forgot you, HAHAHA I mock your inability to have an impact on my life. Keep those emails coming.

Skating at 2am to 7-11 to go buy 4 18 packs. Good work. And please drink responsibly. Notice he did not drive to 7-11. Drunk driving is retarded, don't do it.

Sitting on the dirt(ier) couch in Ben's truck, hollering. A good way to end the night. The next day I was so tired I missed a class, again. I think I may be dying due to exhaustion. Since I am about 100x greater than the closest competitor, it takes a lot of energy. I wouldn't be surprised if I exploded in a blinding flash of light like 8 minutes from now.


Friday, September 24, 2004

"I want candy, bubble gum and taffy. Skip to the sweet shop with my sweetheart Sandy. Got my penny saved, so I'm her sugar daddy. I'm her Hume Cronyn, she's my Jessica Tandy. I want candy."

Kyle is on a roll. He beat out Larson, some dude I don't know, and Dave Ray (not pictured for some reason). But like I say, it's not a real chug unless nothing is spilled. People seem to have a problem with that lately, myself included. So I've taken a little sabbatical from chugging because I's tired of my clothes reeking of cheap beer the rest of the night. Expensive beer, maybe.

I just recently found out that Larson writes songs and even dropped an album. That's hot. One thing I would like to be able to do is be musically inclined with a fantastic voice. When I'm bored I could go to the piano at Benson and start playing songs like "White Houses" and then y'all would be so impressed with me it wouldn't even be funny.

I won't lie, I forgot this girl's name however I remembered her from this picture on a past installment of The House. She's the one that had her phone taped up in blue because Brandon straight up repeatedly throws it on the ground.

Here's Tarantino with his new love interest, Beverley Mitchell of 7th Heaven and Disney's Right on Track fame. BTW what happened to Disney movies? Have they come up with any new ones yet? It's hard to admit, but I love them. A lot. And by a lot, I mean a lot. Oh yes, if you are an international superstar model for the Big 3 and IMG like Tarantino, would you only date TV/movie stars? I would exclusively date small town girls, Win A Date With Tad Hamilton style.

I think this guy lived here, and the first thing I said to him was, "Are you Jewish?" WTF Dr. Chiba, you are losing your social skills again. It turns out he wasn't, but he gets asked that a lot. Good to know, and pass that information along to all your little friends.

While everyone was running away from the phantom police, I was taking pictures like a brazen war correspondent. When we pull the cop card out at our house people don't really leave until 1. we turn the music off or 2. the police actually come inside.

It's Kneier's 21st birthday (damn she's young) and when it's your birthday, Varni will dance in the street with you. So go to The Hut, and take him up on his standing offer.

A different hairstyle than Wednesday, but good nonetheless, I won't lie. Oh and I wasn't talking about myself, which is a rare event, like a volcano erupting, both cataclysmic tragedies.

Oh Bric, the audacity of you. I don't know exactly what happened, but if you do, holla atcha boi. From my various ears on the street, some dude hit a cop in the face and ran. They caught him, "Cops" style, and proceeded to beat him with night sticks. That sucks. Now I won't lie, I regularly laugh at people's misfortunes and shortcomings because that shit is funny, but this situation sucks so much we'll have to pass on laughter. Why would you ever hit a cop?

The monocle while peacing takes immense skill and intense concentration, much like flying a helicopter. I am able to do both, however not at the same time, actually maybe if the helicopter had an autopilot, but we are getting into pretty high end helicopters there, which basically means I own all of you.

It all comes down to this. "Respeck. There is so little of it today, if you look up the word in the dictionary, you will find that it has been taken out."- Ali G, the #1 Comedic Genius. Did you know?- The dude went to Cambridge.

This is Meredith's sister, what do you think?

"Good Looking People Should Not Be Drinking the Stones"

I treat good looking people better

that is a fact, I have 2 cats, but one sucks, so I don't pet her

Bud Light owns all other beer

even if it is a Coors, or a Keystone that you are near

go to Price Club, and buy a 30 of The Prince for $17

put a 6 pack in your beer belt, my what a baller

everyone will look at you, you are cool

no not you fool

I was talking about me.

This picture is awesome. I love it, it's gorgeous. It would be like 10x better though if the colors weren't so fucked up. Why can't people take pictures properly? It makes me cry in the dark sometimes.

Drinking till the early morning, these folks. And then applying lotion to a sleeping Ben, who woke up, going, "Wait. Am I being too loud?" Though I don't know about rubbing lotion on another man, even one as good looking as Ben, the response was entertaining.


Saturday, September 25, 2004

That's right representing USC for the Stanford-USC game, it's Todd Royce! I'm glad USC won I hate Stanford. What do you have to say about that Todd'er? The boy is looking more and more like Rog'er every time I see the man, which I don't know is good or bad.

Hey hey here's Raymond. All the girls think he's cute and he's small so I call him my pocket Asian. I want to carry him around in my pocket like a little mouse and bring him out to show people. That'd be hot. But that would also require me to get some big ass pants made with a huge pocket. That would probably cost a lot of money, something I am lacking. Can you hook me up with a good job?

They guy in the blue looks like Dave Attell the comedian. The resemblance amused me and amused me all night long. Something else that amuses me: Email addresses that would be really annoying to give out over the phone:


Why is that guy cut out? Oh right because he wasn't wearing Abercrombie like these 3 Abercrombie models. I don't think I own one thing Abercrombie, whenever I walk past that store and see all the tards there, it makes me laugh. So I walk past that store on a daily basis because laughter is good for your soul. Like fried chicken.

Dallas is so awesome he is going to save me mad money on Red Bull. He represents Red Bull, so if y'all trendy fucks with the polo with the popped collar, Von Dutch, Nalgene bottles, dirty flip flops and greasy, long hair have any questions about the Austrian Elixir, send them over to Dallas. But please, only approach him when he seems to be free, not when he is feeding his daughter. You already learned that from Eminem.

I don't know what it was, but Candoo was looking exceptionally good and I had to compliment. Perhaps her pheromones were working the overtime? If so, Candoo, make sure to pay time and a half.

I don't quite remember why Chrissy is riding on Ray's shoulders, but I can only imagine it's for chicken fighting. But if that were the case, I definitely would've snapped some more pictures because that shit's fun to watch and partake in. Maybe she wanted to be taller?

 Turn ons: Picnics (with a basket full of sandwiches and champagne on a checkered red/white blanket), the zoo, people who know options (that's the stock market for all of you uneducated shit-fucks), people who wear big gold chains.

Turn offs: FUPAs, people with a net worth of less than $100M.

That's right male or female, NOBODY likes a FUPA.

My belt makes it look like I have a FUPA, but let me tell you that is not the case. I don't know what I would do if I was attacked by a FUPA. FUPA, FUPA, you remind me of King Koopa.

Wow Catie seems even more happy without Benton. Maybe it's because she is free to smile at me. -Ben Taft

That's hot, loves it, gorgeous.

"No I won't do that with you... I don't think my sister would be down. She's only 8!"

OMGHI2U!!!111!11!!!1 "I think you're hot, I'd like to go in a jacuzzi with you."

I have to say Molly has the best number pictures on The House to the time I have known said person ratio. Did that make sense? I was trying to convey the idea that although I've only known Molly for less than a week, she has already stunned The House numerous times. And her poses remind me of a certain someone, but better. HAHAHA I laugh at that person's being replaced.

Kevin seems to have spilled on himself, but it's not bedtime yet. There is much Sports Center to watch with the Ferd E. Bird. Peace out.



September 28, 2004

| Home | Contact |