You're Hot; Can I Be Your Boyfriend?

As I am writing this (well the first time around, since each update is worked on in installments) people are mobbing my house trick or treating. See our 'hood is perfect for trick or treating because every house hands out candy, and it is rare to see ominous gates like in Atherton. And those of you in MP who put up gates- Don't, it makes you look like an idiot. I will not lie, there are some moms that are extremely banging, and I had forgotten that 16 year old girls trick or treat, so I have that going for me as well. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA I may need to register at the Sheriff's Office.


Wednesday, October 27, 2004

Trying to spell out Mercer I, it's Lightner, some kid that was in one of my classes, and Matty. Apparently they have a little website that "rivals" The House, however "rivals" is probably not the word I would be using. I would link it, however I have to think of all the money I can get by advertising on my site.

Hahaha no competition. I'm used to chugging with Ray Ray, who brings the heat (sometimes), however this was like chugging whole milk with a bunch of lactose intolerant misfortunates. If you've ever done that, you know they sip or just pretend to drink.

Ben was wearing his shirt inside out, Eve 6 style, and Benton and Bric found it awfully hilarious for some reason. And no, it was not a "had to be there" sort of thing because I WAS THERE. Though I shouldn't have been there, because I really like not drinking on Wednesdays. It's a good policy that has been working quite well for me. And no I cannot go out and not drink, my raging alcoholism makes sure of that. :-(

"You Only Mock Me On Your Website"

 Sniffle sniffle, Yasu why do you always make fun of me

you're like a bully in my old ghetto, central, just let me be

i have no lunch money

just a plain brown sack, with my sandwich, some oreos, my juice box and a packet of honey

muslims get people out of the slums

i got out of there, thanks to allah, no carlemont for matty

i think that's where they filmed "dangerous minds," remember, emilio left after he'd finished the pee

that made the teacher sad, but oddly made me glad

because i had a crush on her, i just love her gapped teeth and snaggle tooth

oh well, you're still my friend, and

i have to admit, i think you're funny


Friday, October 29, 2004

I "made an appearance" with Benji at Sig Pi's Havoc, and I really didn't know anyone, and being the antisocial person I am, I left with a quickness after about 30. Ben said he'd "make an appearance" here, like he was P. Diddy or someone who makes the girls swoon and faint, going OMG OMG OMG IT'S HIM!!!!!!! BBMAK!!!!!

Me: "What the fuck are you? A gay farmer?"

Tarantino: *SLAP* "No shut the fuck up I'm the Scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz."

HAHAHA same thing.

Napoleon Dynamite will sing you a singing telegram for $5. I will be taking advantage of said service very shortly. You can come up with all sorts of embarrassing situations for Pat- serenading that skinny Asian dude who power lifts like no other in the gym, while at the gym, telling him he loves his muscles. I think I'm going to ask to arm wrestle him. Should I take the risk and call him out in Benson, a busy locale where I bask in fame like Rocky in I-IV if I beat him, or end the year in shame like in Rocky V should I fail, or shall I have him meet me at a secret location only my brothers, the Masons, know?

Not very. :-(

What a strange coincedence that my two nurses in my medical posse came down with some whack ass diseases and couldn't make it to our party.

Forget who Huens locked in, however I imagine it's Ferd and someone else. Probably his boyfriend.

Holy fucking shit. I'd been going to school with Lindsey forever, and then she definitely went ahead and disappeared, and apparently got married during her MIA status. And lives in the SLC. Huh. Well it was fabulous seeing her and her husband. Good times.

Do you think that alcohol makes you lazy? That's what my father always told me, and I'm beginning to see that's true. Like the other Monday, I don't know why, but I decided to get drunk (oh yeah I had a rough day) and the next day, not hung over at all, I just felt lazy. I skipped my classes, and finally went to the gym after mentally yelling at myself for an hour. Think about your lazy Saturdays. Please, it's for your own good. kthanxbye.


Saturday, October 30, 2004

I wake up in the morning to find that Ben Taft has received a $600 citation for our parties, and Kevin Bric was mailed a $150 one. Well, sucks for them. If y'all would like to help them out, you can give the money to me, and I will be sure to forward the funds to the proper individuals. Yeah right I'll take it and spend it on frivolous things. Please.

You can make a beeramid with cans, but how stunner are you if you can make it with kegs? Or magnum Cristal bottles?

Some of Ben's friends gave us their ice luge, however it had been sitting in the sun for a couple hours now, and was melting, like the Wicked Witch in Oz. Except in this case, it was no cause for celebration.

Why are ice luges so expensive? I think the guys who bought this paid $65, for frozen water. I would feel like an extreme dildo if I did that, so I went ahead and didn't. This thing was pretty fucking heavy, however I was taking pictures so as not to strain my wonderful self. Bastard.

Everyone thinks it, but only a few have the gall to say it. Halloween is a pedofile's paradise. When else is it acceptable to wear a mask to conceal one's identity, give out candy to a parade of unknown little kids while inviting them into their homes? Remember parents, go with your kids, unless they can take care of themselves by way of extreme ninja skills or a gun. I say go with the latter because not very many people are ninjas like me. And I suggest a 9mm. Not too much kick for the wee ones, but plenty of stopping power with the right round.

Here's the other wall of our living room. With all the plastic surrounding the room, closing off the porous substances, it made the room unbearably hot, as if we were making a ghetto steamroom. And I say steamroom and not sauna because saunas are much hotter and this was kinda wet heat from everyone's liquid determination, sweat. I like steam rooms more than saunas because they smell good, though they are breeding grounds for germs and bacteria. So I usually stray away from them.

We are so thoughtful. We put some lights up near the stairs so y'all can see where you are going. I almost ate shit before there were lights, like Day 0 in Genesis (and no I'm not talking about the band). So I suggested in our suggestion box to put some lights on so none of you would paralyze yourselves and sue us. Being liable = not fun. Though I won't lie if any of you sued me I would get Bobby Courshon to countersue your ass and then you would buy me a new house and jet. Or if you're broke, at least a new car. Thanks!

We covered our dripping ice luge in a little towel like I do to my cat sometimes to keep the Miyago cat warm. But in this case, we did it to keep the ice block cold. Though it was melting pretty bad. Just to let you know, my cat is sleeping on the table right now because he likes high places.

If this were just a picture, with no story behind it, would you think, "Oh there is a hand there crying for help?" Or would your little brain be filled with thoughts like, "I wonder if there will ever be born a boy that can swim faster than a shark."

True story, spread the word.

Haha Ferd E. Bird didn't even notice it until much later, then he spraypainted over it. Are we still in grade school? Why is calling someone gay still funny to me?

Look at Ben's wig. He got it at Savers. That's really gross, though it's funny to look at and will be funny to laugh at him when he gets lice or some weird jungle disease from it.

I've always wanted to dress up in a cow costume, however I found it remarkably unoriginal for my final Halloween at SC. So I'll probably dress up as a cow on a random night. Please don't eat me or milk me. Actually don't milk me, because people eat steer, not cow.

Here's a history lesson for you ignorant bitches. Budweiser, The King, had steadily risen in power since his divine inception in 1876. He was beautiful, a nice amber color, and proud. Living in a mighty castle, he benevolently ruled over lesser beers, like Coors. What a great King. Then in 1989, Coors released a dastardly elixir that he had been brewing with furious intensity to rival The King, and perhaps defeat him: Keystone Light. With the beer, he made Keystone Light Knight robots, named Ross and the mysterious "T." With cheap prices and a name that invokes images of being essential to a building, or a person, I guess in this case, Keystone Light begins to take over more and more of our young college minds, livers and beer bellies.

The King was not one to just bitch and moan like some people at Ice House. Before he was captured by the insurgents and shamefully made to drink Keystone and Coors for the rest of his life (which was 2 days because the beer is so awful), he quietly released the Savior, The Prince (Bud Light for all of you infrequent readers of The House). The Prince gained in popularity, due to his slim, but full bodied figure, nice uniform and pheromones that couldn't be beat. By the time that Keystone Light was introduced, The Prince was a sizable foe, but waited until he could humiliate Keystone in the 2004. And he did. He decimated those punk bitches and now he reigns King (but please call him The Prince in honor of his father, Budweiser.)

Moral of this story is: ALL HAIL BUD LIGHT

Ladies, Top Gun is Navy, not Air Force.

When they were talking about getting a fountain, I imagined something really tall with the base on the floor, and found that repulsive because when shit's on the floor it is bound to get dirt, leaves and all sorts of badness in it. Thankfully it was a little small thing. And yes we put dry ice in it to make it bubble. You likey?

Huens was a Playboy bunny and Andy's bitch (notice ears, fluffy little tail and pink wristband), Andy- Hugh Hefner, Bric Peter Pan (with a huge dong, I never knew), and Jeffy Donnie Brasco... fuhgeddabouit.

Probably the best idea I've heard for Halloween from Mary- trees. However I was told they would be executing their strategy with paper bags, but it appears that they went ahead and went higher class. If they covered up more, and walked in a pack, they could've fooled some people into thinking they had run amuck into a forest, and crying for help, they might've died. Oh noes!

People lining up for the ice luge, i.e. Let's get bacterial meningitis. When you have that many people's mouths on something like that, it is fucking disgusting. I wonder how many people got sick. If they did, I laugh at their stupidity and disregard for germs.

NRod says: "I'm SpiderMan, I have sticky hands. Oh wait... I forgot to wash my hands."

It's Thriller time from Screbant and Friends. It sucked because all these assholes are taller than me and I couldn't really see. But when a group gets together and plans out a dance, you know it's going to be at the very least b-list material. Of course, considering the girls, it was A list.

Paparazzi spy shot. But the flash gave me away. Oh noes!

This is Cat or Kat (I don't typically ask for the spelling of people's names) coming at you from Las Vegas, and I asked her, "I think you're hot can I be your boyfriend?" She was like, "WTF."


Here are our two bouncers for the evening. We needed people who wouldn't take no shit and wouldn't let randoms in due to obligation. I think it worked because I knew mostly everyone here. Actually I have no way of knowing, I was so gone I only remember talking to about 6 people.

"I think she's hot." "No I think you're hot." "No she's hot." "No you're hot." Fishing for compliments = the bad usually, but in this case, I'll let it slide.

Busting out the braided pigtails, it's Jill. And another individual was stunning the braided pigs, and OMGOMGHI2HER!!!!!!11!1!11oneoneone

So have you 'eard of And more importantly, are you on it? I recently discovered it and it is so much fun! Though I do feel a little weird looking at it constantly, seeing friends of friends and friends of friends of friends. Some people from my high school have gotten exceedingly hot and I love it I won't lie. Just a quick question- do you invite people that you actually talk to or people you just know? I've been doing a little of both. I think a lot of people just invite everyone to become really e-popular. Maybe I'll start inviting people I don't even know so I can become an e-celebrity.

Fucking Dave Ray and his OTR Pops. He had a bunch of them and I imagine he was giving them out for when I was cleaning up the next day it was OTR Pop here, OTR Pop there. Check it- it's OTR (on the rag) not Otter House, like most people think. A cute little furry animal that eats clams turns into something that most people don't talk about in public.

How did Wieland get her hair to stay up like that? It's like that one ad in magazines where it's some crazy Asian fellow screaming with wild hair (wild hair = a wild animal-like man) with an inset picture of the same dude, except conservative. See, with that "hair product," you can do all sorts of hairstyles ranging from the extreme to ultra conservative, like a good ol' boy from Georgia.

Considering I'm one of Lindsay's biggest fans, I think she should be more happy to see me instead of looking to rock faces off.

Stokes: Interesting Fact- If you see her with a hat and ponytail, she has not showered that day. So please avoid her unless you would like to hang with someone, dirrrrrrrrty style.

The picture would work, had the fifth been JD, and had the picture not been so blurry. Camera, you let me down. But thank you for not breaking tonight like my previous camera did AT MY FUCKING BIRTHDAY PARTY. For all of you that still think it broke because I was angrily throwing it on the ground- it was already broken at that point; I was just incensed.

Hearing the "whoo whoo" we all turn to look, and it's the 10 Spot girls with a dirty ass hose, following one of their housemates who dressed up as the fire. That was clever indeed.

Here's the fire. I wonder how they chose who the fire was going to be? They should've done who the hottest girl at that house is, who is _____. Haha like I would reveal that in a public forum. Hint: I did not steal a fridge from her. HAHAHA that could be any of them! God I am cool.

 You can't please everyone. While making some happy, you almost always make someone sad.

Haha what kind of tard would come to a party in a Speedo and towel? Holy shit that must've been cold. It's Sebourn! Luckily he had the foresight to wear the cap and goggles so people wouldn't be able to recognize him and call him out on his 37 cent package. Oh man if you got that last part you are very clever, and I will thank you in advance, because you are probably thinking to yourself, "God Dr. Chiba you are so witty!"

Ali probably had my favorite costume at the party. It wasn't outwardly outrageous and was so unlike her. I always laugh when I look at this picture. The hat and wig are hilarious! Where'd you get them?

What is with Mr. Tarantino with his Wizard of Oz fetish? His B Tara should've been that girl, I forget her name, and had a little furry dog with her. I think she was a cat though.

What do you think about Stephen from Laguna Beach? I guess he's local now do you think he's on I bet he has like 1000000000000000000 efriends. Would you rather be super e-popular or eh normal popular?

It's a little antisocial of me but when at school I always walk really fast, head down or in a book or magazine because I really hate feeling obligated to say hi to acquaintances. If I like you, no problem, but if I know you from somewhere, like a mutual friend or class, I find some situations highly awkward because they waste my valuable time.

Speaking of wasting time, I will tell you all about how shysty I used to be. In high school, like if Ted said hey can you get that book there for me, I'd say no because that would cost money. You ask, "How in the world does that cost money?" Well if you think about it, moving takes energy, and also wears down your body somewhat. You also have a chance of tripping and hurting yourself. Energy = food, wearing down your body = the doctor and tripping = insurance, all which cost money.

NOTE: I am pretty fucking shysty, but not that shysty.

I love David Ray.

This is Rachel, another who thought I didn't know her. Ferd was talking about how someone spilled a drink on her Uggs, and I callously said, "Good, nobody should be wearing Uggs anyway" and then Ferd for once shut me the fuck up with, "Dude she was a fucking Eski-ho." Oh yeah that's right.

Now that I think of it, since this is present and future 10 Spot, the trees should've teamed up with the firewomen and been burning trees, and the firewomen should have hosed them down. That would've been funny. For about 5 minutes. Then I would've felt bad for the girls who would've been extremely cold, Shoreline style. I think the coldest I've ever been was at a concert at Shoreline.

I love Julie Screbant.

I guess it hasn't been mentioned yet, but I got my lab coat embroidered:

Dr. Chiba, XIV


Yes that is a "Z" and not a "2." The embroidery lady fucked up, but what can I say? In 4 days and $7, one fuck-up. The place I went to before took a week, put everything in caps when I wanted lowercase, and cost $25.

Molly: Interesting Fact- I was checking her out one day and noticed that she didn't have pierced ears. It's awesome and she is the only girl I know past the age of 12 who doesn't have pierced ears, or any other piercings (that most people see, anyway, j/k). That's hotter than the Prickett/Sloans/Mona 1 piercing club.

You can read about what happened later in the new issue of Penthouse Forums, mmmkay? HAHAHA you would.

I also had this little doctor's notebook that I picked up at Stanford Bookstore, Medical Edition. I was going to write people diagnoses like, "You're hot. OMGHI2U!11!" or conversely, "You're not, OMGBYE2U!1!!" However I don't think I wrote anybody one, which was sad because $12 went to waste, but probably a good thing because I don't need more people hating me for lack of tact.

HAHAHA this picture makes me laugh. Whenever I say hey Megan I'm taking a picture of you she makes this face.

C'est Erin. ET phone home? Some people thought that the little alien was cute, however it fucking freaks me out, to this day. When they rereleased it a short time ago I was like WTF, but then again I don't really go to the movies that often so it had no impact on my life.

I don't know what we were doing here, but it appears as if we are partaking in a little activity called "dancing" that kids tend to do. Were we dancing like Pistol? I hope so that is hilarious.

Kiss your neighbors and be friendly with them. The people that live next door (not Pub) always post in their little side yard that's right next to our bathroom, and it's always a little disconcerting when you're taking a piss, hear voices right next to you, and realize that they are looking at you while you are looking at them. Talk about an awkward moment. And multiply that by mmmm, EVERY DAY.

Here's my Swedish buddy Freida. Though I don't know if I am her buddy because when she cuts through our yard to get to her house (is that trespassing?) she gives me weird ass looks and runs away. And yes I had my pants on in each occasion, except once, because I was doing laundry. Remember when we were kids when you just weren't friends with someone, you had to be his/her friend and he/she had to be your friend. Life was so complicated back when I owned the playground through fear and intimidation.

You would.

Verber was a dirty old man for Halloween, and had a mirror afixed to the bottom of his cane for the so called "money shots." Here, you can see him trying to holler at the youngest girls in town, at non voting age.

Get out of the way! I wasn't there.

I was told some awfully gross things, and wish I hadn't 'eard it. Actually I'm glad I did because it just reaffirms that I am a great judge in character. On a side note, apparently Julia's hot little sister took a picture with P. Hilton. I'd like to see said photograph.

UPDATE: I've seen the pictures, however Julia has forbidden me to put it on The House. A good journalist respects his sources, while Dr. Chiba does what he wants. A huge dilemma, but I think I will side with the former.

Is that your good side? If you study people while people watching, you can clearly see on some people their good/bad sides. I guess one side has better ratios than the other.

Colleen is always right, except for when she ignores me. Then I hate the bitch.

Nicholas S. Book of Salt Lake City, Utah, East Bench, Skyline Alum, claims that I stole this from him, however I have no recollection of seeing it on his away, and actually thought I was pretty fucking clever:

People think that Halloween is a free pass to dress and act slutty with no dire consequence, however if you should not be dressing slutty because of a dog face or Manni Fresh style belly real big, DON'T FUCKING DO IT IT'S FUCKING GROSS. But as we can see here, it's all good.

J'ai une question. Vicencia why did you choose to be UPS instead of FedEx or Airborne? UPS fucking sucks they always come after 3pm, throw the package on the ground and leave without ringing the bell. Airborne is the best by far because I can order something by 2am and it will get to my house before 10am. That is the advantage of owning your own airport and leasing warehouse space to retailers on site. BTW, did you know there's an arrow in the FedEx logo?

Last caption.

WTF are they all looking at and what am I missing? Do you ever feel like you're missing out on something, and nobody will tell you what's going on? Haha no it's not a surprise party they just don't like you.

I'm sorry, I cannot lie to all of you. This is probably my favorite picture on this update. I am going to send it to Maxim (or was it FHM?) to call out Ro, Becky and Mario for ruining a perfectly good pic. Actually, they give it character. Though who are you Mario?

Plaid and argyle are God's gift to fabric... and say no to communism.

Would you rather date a super hot girl who's bald (she's hot when she wears her wig) but any time you make an initial introduction to a friend, she has to be bald, and her wig sometimes falls off at inopportune times, or would you rather date a super hot girl who smells really, really, really bad every other day? And no you cannot avoid her every other day. And no you cannot wash the smell off.

McNulty has gone way up in my book because of his costume and the greatest move that was pulled on this night. I think I would've gone with a huge black dildo, but you know, that's just me. He left his 26 year old girlfriend at our house and ran off, leaving her to sleep in one of the guys' beds at some fucking college house. I would be so pissed. His sign says, "Have you been a good little boy?"

"Tee hee I just sharted I hope nobody notices! Thank God for this fence!"

What a nice couple. I think Andrea was one my first SC facebook friends. Ross why aren't you on it? Oh BTW if you are on it, join Ben and my group, OMGHI2U!!1!11!oneoneone.


Ferd was that dude from the Sox, the monkey looking dude. Fucking I wanted the Yankees to win so bad because my boy Godzilla Matsui is on it. Only reason. But then again, I couldn't care less about organized sports on the telly, unless it's the Olympics. Then I'm all about it.

STOP AND WATCH. The many faces of Molly, and the first on The House for rotating images. I had to do this in JavaScript since nobody would make me a non-GIF animated image, which is what I wanted. :-( On Friday I saw Molly making faces in a pirate costume, and I laughed and laughed. It was fun! Next time you see her out, ask her to make faces for you!

C3 must be a fun place to be living. I won't lie, I want to have a C2 reunion so bad. Too bad like half my hall consisted of hidden rage and certifiable craziness, but I guess that's what made it cool. And by cool, I mean it fucking sucked.

From "SavesTheDay" on bf.c- If Superman is stronger than anyone AND invincible, is he strong enough to hurt himself?"

What an awesome girl. But you do realize, you break it, you buy it. Except in a grocery store. If you break something, you can usually get another one (provided you bought said item) or if you break something in the aisle, just yell "Cleanup, aisle x" and nonchalantly walk away, even if you are the only one in the aisle. It's no longer in your hands.

Oh God they hate it when I put them in this awkward position. Just get it over with Ray Ray: a rose, some candy, maybe bubblegum and taffy, and the magic words- OMG I think you're hot can I be your boyfriend?

An odd place to be kissing someone- on the jaw, and not on the cheek!

Courtesy of Benji Taft- "Yasu stop looking at me like that, you make make me want to jump you." 

What prudes. Actually for Julie and Mary, kissing another woman probably isn't at the top of their To Do lists on their Palm Pilots, especially when Dave Ray and an unknown individual, respectively, are awaiting in the wings, ready to take part in the play that is life.

Please don't do this to people you don't know; it can land you in jail. kthanxbye.

If it's one thing I haven't learned in 21 years, it's don't lick people's faces. They usually don't like it unless the licker is a dog because they have cleaner mouths than us. Isn't that weird? Dogs will eat shit and have cleaner mouths than us. It boggles my mind. 

My story wasn't a farce, see T has lost his armor after The Prince owned him. Haha you have to laugh at those misfortunes while drinking Bud Light. How is Bud Light so good? It has brought me so much happiness.

Harvey had a prize fight earlier in the evening, and apparently is unfazed with no black eyes or broken nose, Jake style. I hear that Harvey is a bad ass, is that true?

Why am I at The Hut again? I hate The Hut. Well not actually The Hut per say, that's mean, but bars in general. Unless people buy me drinks, then it's cool.

Ms. Sally Showman representing y'all Dugs as President. Keep up the good work.

We were going to the U and Verber told us to wait for him to get cigarettes at the 7-11 you see pictured in the background. We waited for a bit, then left. He had gone to partake in some indescribable activities, so we waited for nothing. Oh well. kthanxbye!


After this one drops I'm working on the next update. If I can finish both in one day, I am fucking God. Good thing I have all my written homework done for the next two weeks. OCD, thank you.



November 4, 2004

| Home | Contact |