Butt Hurt

I've recently become aware of the many people that get really butt hurt about really insignificant things. That makes me sad. Why do people get so butt hurt about a missed phone call, or a napkin on the floor? HAHAHA I fucking tricked you it's me that gets butt hurt about every little thing. And no, not every little thing she does is magic, as Sting would like you to believe.


Thank you to Peter Maag for doing something with my background so the text is easier to read.


Monday, November 15, 2004

Ben took me on our first date. That's right Lauren; take that and rewind it back. He bought me a beer to liquor me up then took me to a comedy show on campus so I will laugh, releasing endorphins, making me feel good so I will put out. The two little freshmen that took this probably thought we were really gay.


End of night. No he did not impregnate me. Thanks for asking!


Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Dave: "Take a picture of us! If we were combined into one person, we would be perfect! Jeff's got the sex appeal, Gunnar the sex ability, and me... well... I dunno."

There has to be a flaw trying to achieve perfection or people will always wonder what the flaw is.

Courtesy of Michael Keller: "If Professor X (of X-Men fame) has the ability to move things with his mind (telekinesis for all of you incompetents), why doesn't he just move his legs?

Because he does not have the power to move things with his mind. Source.

There's been an alarm or something going off in Dunne all day and it reminded me of a time sophomore year when I was driving home and halfway there I was like SHIT I FORGOT TO TURN MY ALARM OFF. I definitely didn't want Campus Safety finding my liquor cache in the process of turning off my alarm. So I drove back. It sucked donkey dong.

Here is my comparison pic. Do you think that 258-Ball and Pistol look alike? Not just because they are both small and can fit in my pocket...

How do they not run out of phone numbers? In San Jose there are about 900,000 residents, and if one includes businesses, other towns and cell phones, wouldn't there be a shortage of 408 numbers? I realize that not every single person has a different phone number, but it boggles my mind.


End of night.


I was eating lunch one day in the kitchen (standing, of course), when I hear a commotion in the hallway. It's Taft and Benton, half naked, wrestling and fighting each other to see who can make it to the shower first. Ben won. Then after Ben got out, Bric went right in. Basically, Benton got owned twice. HAHAHA I laugh at his lack of determination.


Friday, November 19, 2004

We beat UNC, but is that a fucking reason to light a couch on fire? Who the fuck did this? There was also a recliner ablaze. Jesus H. it is like we are in Compton.

The outer corner of my heels always wears down. Why is that? I need to go see my cobbler so he can cobble my shoes. Cobble is a fun word because it sounds like gobble, like a turkey. And that just reminds me of eating things.

I was thinking about a Rubik's Cube- do you know anyone that has/can successfully solve one? I think they are one of those things invented just to confuse people and make us feel stupid- like how some people can be so incredibly good looking like mmmmmm, Sarah Wright.

Walking to class one day I realized that I'm going to have to create new walking to class patterns next quarter. That sucks cause it takes time, and I'm used to this one. Do you create walking to class routes to avoid/see certain people?

Do you think that when furniture companies design and build furniture, they take into account how well the items will fit through people's doors?

How does some hair grow long, but not others? Eyebrow hair never grows that long, but head hair does (unless you are Ferd. OOOOOOOOOO SNNNNAP). Does hair get too long and heavy, and fall out?

HAHAHA 537-Ball came up to me and was like, "Yasu! Some French guy just told me he wanted to breed with me!" She pointed him out, and it was a different one than the one I gave my wonderful advice to. So they have been thinking all quarter that telling girls they want to breed with them is something that Americans do. HAHAHA I laugh at their naivete.

I was driving at a very accelerated rate on 880S when some dude who thought he was way too cool in a C5 Corvette came right up on my ass, swerved to the leftmost lane... and drove for a few miles with his turn signal on. FUCK YOU BITCHES WHO DRIVE WITH YOUR TURN SIGNALS ON!


End of night.


Ben and I cleaned the hallway, and it was extremely nice not having garbage and Huens' shit all over. Cleaning did, however, clog my vacuum. The house was livable over break, and that was nice. Ben and I were saying that if there were only 5 people living here (each with a single) our house would be super clean.

The more civilization progresses, the more kids have to learn in school. Think about it- history, science, literature; people think up new shit all the time, and then kids have to learn it, until someone invents a learning chip or something that can be implanted. That would be nasty.

Yes those are Glock 34s in case you were wondering. Keep your fingers off the trigger. kthanxbye.

Ah the cove. Many a night has been passed here. Did I have a nice Thanksgiving break? Fuck no I did homework every single day and still have more to do. OMGHOMEWORK2ME!

Huens was rooting around in Larson's room and found these Berenstain Bear books. WTF is that his new fetish? OMGBERENSTAINBEARS2LARSON!


Tuesday, November 30, 2004

How many first names rhyme with Mary? Barry, Carrie, Gerry, Harry, Jerry, Kari, Larry, Perry, Query (oh noez that's a Microsoft Access term!1!1111!!!1oneoneoneoneelevenelevenonehundredeleventhousandonehundredeleven!!!!!!) and Terry.

Methinks it's around 11:30pm here, and Dave Ray is back from Frisbee "practice." Can they even see Frisbees in the dark? Oh that is right they have those light up ones now. I wonder if those are easier to throw because they're heavier.

I don't know why, but I decided to drink on a Tuesday. And heavily. That in itself wouldn't be bad, however I was the only one drinking, though not the only one present. My logic was if I'm going to be drinking, I don't want to have to urinate every 5 minutes because I was out of my habitat, so I drank hard A. Which is dangerous.

Here come the braided pigtails. Good call. Without fail they will make any girl automatically look 1000000000x better. OMGFREEADVICE2U!

Did the 40 ever come out? I think not.

When you go kicking random people's doors looking for a lost backpack, passing out on people's floors while talking to someone on the phone and having to have a keeper walk your drunk ass back home, you know you've had a good night.

Well here is one more picture of Mary, because she is so good looking.

Ok unless you were there to witness me in action, even if you use 100% of your peanut little brains I don't think you can comprehend how fucked up I was. I remember talking to Mary, Dave Ray, then Molly... and then nothing. Apparently I made the rounds, and almost got into fisticuffs twice. Me need to get a tatu of MSHP on my hands.


End of night.


Somehow I made it to my 9:15 class where I was still really drunk, and at the end of class I felt awful and threw up in the trash can. Luckily I was in the back right next to it, and I don't think anyone noticed. I peaced out and threw up in the bathroom. Then I went home, passed the fuck out and stayed in bed until 4:30pm, and I still felt like shit. I haven't gotten that drunk in forever and I've only been that hung over once. And that was November 26, 2000.



Damn look at Conlin's mobbed out father.

Haha it appears that 8728372-Ball has gone to Italy to get those numbers up. And I hear from my sources that she was like a small girl (oh she is) taking pictures every 5 seconds. That reminds me of a certain someone...

See, that previous joke was funny because that someone reminds me of me.

Who is that girl on the right she is kinda hot.

Charles says, "I was talking to Figone on AIM today. I didn't know you could use AIM in other countries." HAHAHA Charles is simultaneously one of the smartest and most naive men I know. HAHAHA I laugh at his naivete.

The Queen's English is a little different from English spoken in Queens, NY. GHGH, not GBGH. Doesn't sound quite as good.

Conlin: "Not gonna lie it was the best thanksgiving dinner i ever had. With no recipes, we went to the store, split up certain dishes and somehow, someway, we made a delicious dinner. I even took a pic of lindsey chopping up celerly for the stuffing so that you would believe that we actualy made the dinner and didnt buy it from KFC."

I know what I'm buying you for Christmas. It's from Merriam-Webster.

Did you know that you can get a turkey from Popeye's? What kind of trash gets their turkeys from Popeye's? Actually what am I saying? I bet it's delicious. And I bet it'd be better if they fried it.

Today I pinched a pincher bug to death, and in retaliation one of its buddies was crawling around on a piece of paper I was holding. The next thing I know it had disappeared, so for all I know it's crawling around in my clothing. Owned.

Here is a little message I got on facebook from Martha: "so yasu, other than loving GbGh, i had to mention - that bitch with the nicki hilton picture up? ya, thats mine and AnnieSCU's room/flatmate here in london.. and yes, to confirm she is a bitch.. I gotta say we really appreciated the shutdown on your profile..as always, the greatest words of wisdom come from Master Chiba. Have a great night!"


Coming to America

Stepping out of my Bio review I see my old sublessee Elijah posting up with some dirty ass cat. I was like, "Hey yo do you actually bring your fucking cat to class?" No. Apparently this little guy appeared out of nowhere like the Cheshire Cat in Alice's Adventures in Wonderland and sat on his lap. I touched it, and it was dirty. But it was a nice cat.


Friday, December 3, 2004

It's the Flip Cup Tournament @ Penthouse. I was very surprised at the turn out.

Me to anonymous: Yeah I think your roommate is really good looking.

Huens (in passing): I don't.


It was a had to be there kind of moment, fuck you.

Here you can see some of the overall winners- the "trees." Andrea, Jill, Carly and Megan. I think that's it.

It is also the night of the OTR Family annual Christmas party. Christmas costumes, tacky sweaters and/or Santa hats mandatory. I actually bought my sweater thinking I'd wear it, but when I got home I realized how garish it looked. So the tag was still on it 2 years later. The funny thing is now I love it and wear it all the time. Please don't laugh at my ugly sweater if you see me out at Taco Bell.

If you are lucky enough to live close to me and in the greatest small town in the world, you will know that they are doing wicked construction on Alpine Road. Actually it might not be Alpine Road down there but whatever, the intersection of that one and the Stanford golf course. Thing is they don't tell you that at the fucking exit, so you have to go down to see if there's the 10 minute detour. Damn them.

I wore tights once when I was a Munchkin for a Wizard of Oz play when I was in first grade. It was gay. But what wasn't gay was I was partnered with Maria Ferrari who was a hot little 6th grader and I got to hold her hand and that was hot.

Huens bought a shirt that looks very similar to mine. I don't know how I feel about that. I guess it's not too bad since I bought a fleece that everyone has. 8-Ball wouldn't lend me her muffler, and I don't know how I feel about that either. I think this night was the coldest night, EVARRRRRRRR!!!!!!!

What is that ugly little statue and why was Ross carrying that around?

No she is not tying her shoe. Screbant is trying to model for a certain someone in a green hat.

I believe I pushed their heads together to make them kiss like I always do, however as much as the individual on the right resisted, I think it happened. At least when I reconstruct this event in my mind.

UPDATE: Check this picture out. She is the one I was talking about. OMG I don't even think I knew Screbant then.

Last caption.

I don't know why, but Kelsey poured some beer on me. So I poured a beer on her. Then another. Then two more guys poured beer on her, so that was a misfortune on her part. Afterwards I felt bad about the second beer because it was so cold. Don't worry little ones, I am not an asshole, and apologized.

Could we both please look normal for once!? Yes please.

Other way asshole.



End of night.


Saturday, December 4, 2004

HAHAHA I owned Benji. I had failed to notice that he just opened a 40 when I tapped the top with another 40, and it came gushing out all over Ben. Then I laughed. And laughed some more at his inability to save the geyser. One time I was repeatedly banging on Teresa's beer and it broke. Oh noes!


Monday, December 6, 2004

A harried Candoo is jealous of us, for we are mostly done and she has to study with Benton and Dirty Dallas.

We are doing my favorite activity in Benson. I thought there would be more people there, and it was disappointing, but not really.


Tuesday, December 7, 2004

Next night, same thing, different people. More people were here this time, including some girl who I was obnoxious to (actually when aren't I, she just wasn't used to it/able to tolerate it) and she was not the happy. HAHAHA I laugh at her intolerance.

We are playing cards in Benson. Actually by "we" I mean them. I hate these types of games because I can attain the same goal by myself. If you know what I mean. Then we went to the library, which was packed.

Don't remember this... It's spelled "Caitlyn" FYI.

Don't remember this either. Hopefully I didn't miss anything good while I passed the fuck out on the couch. That thing is getting ratty.


 End of night.


It is the cups that Dave Ray has been talking about all quarter. What a nice gesture; it's like we're dating. Now I need to get Charles to make me a shelf so I can display them with pride.

The craftsman himself. He has been talking a lot of shit lately, and I wonder what he will say when we come back and I own him at chugging. Talk is cheap though, so we'll see when the future is now.


Thursday, December 9, 2004

Last night I was trying to go to bed early because I had a final the next day, but that wasn't happening because all these assholes were being hella loud (but that's OK, I have been loud once or twice in my life as well). Then when the general ruckus ceased I hear Bric and Benton screaming at each other.

They were both very butt hurt because Benton locked himself in Bric's room when Bric wanted to go to bed. So Bric wrote on Benton's bed, and after each little session he'd try and talk Benton out of his room. Which didn't happen. Then I think they finally started going at it in the kitchen (this is all from a hazy memory for I was half asleep in my room) and Bric left for an unnamed reason. So Benton threw Bric's mattress up on the bar.

And wrote him a 3 page letter telling him that things weren't going to be the same and how he wants to move out. What a drama queen. As you can guess, in the morning they were all over each other again. (In a good way.)

I took a picture of them because what guys actually like to watch "The O.C.?" They say it's for the girls, but the girls on that show aren't even that hot.

Jacey says: "Going to the gym when 'The O.C.' is on is a perfect time because nobody is there. And then I can watch it there, which is doubly good for me."

This was hilarious, and I wish my life was recorded 24/7 because I want y'all to hear Bric's shrill, "NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" After showering, Huens came upstairs to dry off his genitalia via the space heater, and I think Bric ripped his towel from his hands. Huens doesn't give a fuck so he chased Bric down, naked, and dry humped him while all us watched in horror/amusement. That is when the cry for help was uttered.

Should Candoo dye her hair brown? I think so.

NRod comes in stumbling drunk, mumbled about something then broke our couch. Good work. Actually it was a combination of NRod and Bric jumping on him.


Friday, December 10, 2004

Huens gave Bric a pretty little pedicure while Ben the Pyro burned his foot hair off. And burned some of his skin off in the process. Good work... not.

This stupid fuck was plugging his CD when he was being interviewed about the fight. We thought we'd download his latest cut, and it was awful.

Does being drunk infrequently give you a free pass to become utterly belligerent? Lately I have become very up to par in belligerence. I'm very legit.

Rachel says: "Tee hee, don't look down there."

My fucking CD changer broke on me so I was thinking about buying a new deck and MP3 CD changer when I remembered I lack $3000. But I was able to put together a 1/10th of that amount and bought an iPod Mini.

Now I want an inexpensive, small, battery powered device that will hold 128-256MB that will store digital photos and autonomously slideshow them via composite out. That would own. An iPod Photo would've been perfect, however I definitely don't have $600.

What is this wee one drinking? Fortified wine?

I got these two to kiss when I put their heads together. OMGGOODWORK2ME! But it looks here as if it would happen naturally, like childbirth. But even that is becoming unnatural in certain instances.

I was listening to the radio today because my CD changer is broken (Yes this is the second time I mention this. It is Christmas. Someone please buy me a new one.) and some guy was talking to three 14 year old girls because he overheard them talking about a cute guy and naturally assumed they were talking about him. Who does he think he is? Conor Curtis? Anyway, it was one of the girls' birthday and he was all, "What'd you do, have a slumber party? That's hot." Just like this is.

Yes finally we acknowledge each others' existance. I heard that Andrea got owned twice, once by Dave Ray and then by me, same day, and that's sad. :-(

This is Kristin. HI2HER.

She has nice teeth, and then after a while I realized that she is exceedingly, exceedingly gorgeous. Keep on keepin' on.

It was rude not to offer your guests some of whatever y'all were eating, mmmmkay? And it is also rude of me to call you out like that. I apologize.

I really am at a loss for words.

Looks to me like Screbant has changed. Who is she, Paris Hilton?

Carrie says: "OMGHI2U!!!! You look just like me! You're so good looking!"

Question: If you ran into someone who looked exactly like you, would you think "OMG he/she is hot as fuck!" or "OMG I have a twin and we were separated at birth! Oh noez!!!!1111111!!oneoneone."

Ferd: Here let me try and spit in your mouth.


On the telly some guy loogied into another guy's hand and he slurped it up. I squirmed, went EEEEEWWWWWW and two drops of pee came out. Just two.

I lost, big time. And that is with spilling all over myself. Then I lost again, this time with my shirt off. I went to The Hut, where a certain someone expressed her blazing hatred for me (don't worry little one I fucking hate you too), then home, where I passed out on Ferd's floor for 2 hours. Huens had to get me, yet again.


Have a good break y'all. Next update will drop on the 2nd if New Year's is off the hook. Otherwise, wait until January 9 after an undisclosed epic event. Actually if I can get the right pictures for Jenna's idea for an update, it will drop sometime during break.



December 12, 2004

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