It's No Suprise I'm Still Runnin' Thangs In The 2005

Happy Fucking New Year motherbitches! My New Year's Resolution is... nothing. I don't think I can improve anymore. However I know many of your resolutions are to lose weight, so the gym will be mad crowded for about three weeks until your laziness sets in again. That's fucking annoying.

Oh this was going to be Year 5 for our annual ski trip, but it didn't happen. That makes me very sad. And it was the first New Year's in four years that I didn't spend with Teddy Bear, Stephen "Touchman" Burkholder and the Emmett Train. That's not hot.


When I was 3 or some piss my pants age my assistant (the middle) and I sold "magic rocks" outside her apartment. I was a cute kid (actually I still am, nothing has changed), and people bought plain rocks from me. With the money I made, I bought some crayons and began selling color magic rocks at a higher price. Her dad was like, "Damn, look at that fucking entrepreneur." When I say that I used to slang rocks, I literally did sell rocks. I'm not trying to be a thug, a lifestyle that seems so popular with you young ones these days.

That's my moms on the right. When I was younger each time we'd get on an airplane I'd ask really loudly, "MOMS HOW OLD ARE YOU?" Haha I laugh at my naivete.

This is yakitori. Which is (usually) seasoned chicken. It rocks my face off.

This picture and the following two are to broaden the horizons of you culturally ignorant fucks. This little thing right here is cooking the rice to make mochi.

When the rice is done cooking, you take these mallets and smash the sticky rice until it turns into a dough-like food. I remember doing this at my grandparents' house one time. It owned.

Plain rice isn't that good, so this is my favorite seasoning- kinanko. I also like the soy sauce/seaweed mix, but this one is much more adept at rocking my face off.


Thursday, December 30, 2004

A nameless individual Facebook'd me and she has gotten exceedingly, exceedingly hot. I didn't even recognize her. I was sharing my fortune with Tarantino and said that SHP should give out a "Most Improved" award. Tarantino thought they should have a magazine to hand out to alums. OMFG could you imagine the possibilites? We are going to become entrepreneurs and start GO-SHP (pronounce it like "gossip" with a lisp) magazine. It is going to rely solely on gossip, hearsay and rumor. Who's pregnant, who turned out to be a lesbo, what's the new drug? LAFF.

Keller says: "GO-SHP magazine rocks my face off. But I think Yasu and Tarantino are going to be sued for libel after the first issue. I laugh at their misfortunes."

I probably shouldn't have gotten so drunk the night before New Year's Eve. That would've been quite unfortunate had I been so hung over I couldn't participate in the festivities. But I pulled through. Good work Dr. Chiba.


Friday, December 31, 2004 (That's New Year's Eve BTW)

It's Cloud 9 and they're back from abroad. It must be wicked different having more people move in. The dynamic changes. I am so perceptive.

The History 7 club minus Little Benji Taft is back together you motherbitches. There should be much laughter and alcohol abusage in class again. Have you seen that "The Simpons" episode where Grandpa Simpson has a card that says, "Little Grandpa Simpson?" See, it was funny because when you are kids you don't call people "Grandpa."

"OMFG me can see my reflection in the window." Yes that is all a mirror is- glass with black backing. Stick with me and you can learn the secrets of the world.

Me had exactly 834 yen in coins and when I went to go buy some bread it was 834 yen. I started to laugh uncontrollably because that shit was funny. Then the cashier burst out laughing, and gradually almost everyone in the store was laughing, sharing in my fortune. It was a grand time. Actually that never happened, but I was thinking about it when I was sitting at home holding 834 yen.

Here is a story from the good times when Jake, Stricker and Conor used to live together: Conor was playing his music at 3pm like a normal person, and Stricker told him to turn it the fuck down because he was trying to sleep. Conor told him to fuck off and sleep like a normal person. Stricker didn't like that at all, and blasted his music at 4am. HAHAHA I laugh at other people's squabbles.

Speaking of Stricker that fool only IMs me when he wants to gloat about something. The most recent IM was when he got an iBook for Christmas. I asked him how big the screen was, and he said, "12 inches. I didn't want it any bigger." LAFF. It's like he was talking about a dildo.

If sorry was sufficient, the police would be unnecessary.

Here I am warming up for my chugging competition with Dave Ray and Rasmusson. The guy in pink was supposed to be my main competitor, but I still beat all these suckers cause I'm sick like that.

Yes please.

This is an actual pick-up line used on Miriam which I found fucking hilarious: "Computers are the best thing in the world... actually, there is one thing better: you." That's hot.

Nice place to put your phone Screbant. That's hot.

I had been waiting to chug with these two motherbitches since Brandon was in Spain. Here is how it went down- Dave, me, Brandon. Since when is Ray the #1 chugger? That's not hot.

LAFF. Denise is passed out on the couch at like 9. HAHAHA I laugh at her constant insobriety and alcoholism.

Mer is happy to back on The House. She is quite self-involved and narcissistic like that.

Milo wanted this update to be called "Milo Is Back With A Vengeance From London." LAFF.

I was drinking tea all day, and you how that's a diuretic? Well I thought I was going to die from dehydration. HAHAHA yeah right a perfect genetic speciman such as myself does not worry about such maladies that affect you normal motherbitches.

LAFF. Feldmar looks fucking drunk. Good work. MDP for the night probably goes to Little Benji Taft though.

Copious amounts of booze and fireworks inside buildings is always a great idea.

Are all water droplets the same size?

I love Conlin and 2873-Ball. Their morals need work but their 'earts are in the right place. LAFF.

Gainza and I built wicked character the other day. We went trap shooting and out of 75 shots Jen hit 0. Haha that sucks. It was raining and since the place is in the mountains it was real foggy and cold. Being in the cold builds character. Remember that, young ones.

I thought Solari would foul out again so I tried taking bets as to what time that would occur. No go.

"They taught me to look beyond the superficial at the Handsome Boy Modeling School. One of the things I look for in a woman is, you know, personality. And I look for a sense of humor. And you know, knockers. I'm just kidding. Like I said I used to look at a woman's, you know, chestal area first. I mean the things I look for now is I look for a woman with money. I look for a woman with long legs. Whereas before I used to focus on knockers. Oh wait one second my illegitimate son is here."

Ross says: "Hey sucker you got money for me? I'm broke, you see." Haha I laugh at poverty.

Really skinny girls like anorexics and bulimics can do X-Men type tricks. If they stand sideways they disappear. SHAZZAM! LAFF.

I am not making Ben look bad. Or I guess I am not publically making him look bad, because what he does he brings upon himself. No gay shit here, but that is because BT was saddened that we don't call him. BT you should know you are welcome any time.

HAHAHA I was trying to get a picture of Snodgrass all night and I guess my everpresent annoyance wore her defenses down. I used to think that she looks like the late Princess Di, however now I realize that Ashlee Simpson is a much better comparison.

Have you ever noticed that some contacts don't feel comfortable right out of the package? That hurts my feelings. And by that I mean of the ocular variety, not psychological.

Ferd wants to say OMGOMGHI22005!

Kelsey always takes pictures fucked up sideways, saying it's "artistic," so I did it to her too.

Dave wrote you a song. It goes something like this:


Watching every motion in my foolish lover's game

On this endless ocean finally lovers know no shame

Turning and returning to some secret place inside

Watching in slow motion as you turn around and say

My love,

Take my breath away

Take my breath away


Oh wait. That's Berlin. Actually Berlin covered that shit and it was the main reason they broke up, but I am too lazy to Google the original band.

YES! The BLT Sandwich is back in action.

I was petting the Miyago Cat and he rolled over so I could pet his tummy but he definitely rolled off the table. I laugh at his uncatlike maneuvers. And he didn't even land on his feet. Haha I laugh at his misfortune. My other cat never lands on her feet either. When I was little I used to drop her when she moved because cats scared me and she always landed on her back. That was unfortunate.

As ecstatic as we are having Lindsey and Sierra back at Ice, having 2 extra cars is going to be quite miserable. That's how I really feel, and thought I should let people know that. kthanxbye.

Fuck is Harvey that much taller than me? Oh is that Gucci Claire in the background?

That's cute.

Weren't you blonde before?

Our stairs are fucking slippery and today Bric, dead sober, slipped in his slippers. We are surprised that more people haven't eaten shit on the stairs- front and back.

I took the shuttle bus home from SFO because it was Christmas coming back from Japanland and I didn't want to burden anybody with the job of picking my ass up. We were waiting for 25 minutes and the driver goes, "So another shuttle's coming. It will leave immediately. Do you want to wait or do you want to get in that one?" Yes I want to wait with you you stupid fuck because I like you so much. Please, please, waste more of my time. But what came out was, "Yes sir; I'll go on that one. Merry Christmas."

Then the dude that drove the other shuttle had the annoying habit of getting on the gas, then off. Then on, then off. What the fuck? Why can't he apply steady pressure like a normal person? I wanted to bludgeon the motherbitch, defenestrate him and become the wheelman myself. I'm not in jail, so it is obvious I didn't. I sat in my seat and looked out the window.

Mona and Bjorklund sent me a postcard from Prague. That was nice and everything, but IT WAS IN FUCKING CZECH. I hope they were not making fun of me on it. That would be a misfortune.

I think all important messages should not be face to face, via phone, nor even AIM. Facebook messages is where it's at. LAFF.

Deer in the headlights. If you kill a deer vehicularly are you allowed to keep it and take it to the butcher? That would own. But that's like hunting out of season and with the wrong weapon. You go to jail for that shit. Haha I laugh at your incarceration.

Chuang-Tze dreamed he was a butterfly. When he awoke, he was no longer sure he was a man who had dreamed, or was now a butterfly dreaming of manhood.

For those of you with GMail- has your spam filter been shit lately? It's fucking annoying. Speaking of spam, in Japan I got like 100000000 spam messages on my cell phone. It sucked.

What's with everyone doing kissy faces tonight? I was told that subconsciously New Year's kiss is on everyone's mind motherbitches.

I walk in to see Levy spilling champagne on the Fendi. I laugh at his inability to handle booze with a proof of more than 10.

The hardest part about having ADD is getting around to taking Ritalin.

Leg braces are hot. Yeah... no.

Nice to have you back brother. Where's the Salon?

LAFF. With his beard and little hat Rasmusson looks like a leprechaun, super-sized. By eating McDonald's everyday, 3 times a day, for 30 days. Get it? I was referencing Super Size Me. I am so down with pop culture. Keep it real.

I wish I was so rich and frivolous I could get new contacts and new razors every day. OMFG that would own. See my problem is I'm too much of the latter and not enough of the former. I am aware that they have daily contacts, but they don't make them in my BC and you know they skimp out on some shit that the 2 week ones have, so I want to use the 2 weekers as dailies. And new Mach 3 Power razors every day? Self-fucking-explanatory. There are few things I hate more than shaving (being in jail is one of them, and incidentally they make you shave in jail so that is a double OH NOEZ) and new razors would help to alleviate the burden, just a smidgen.

The dude on the left was either Biz's friend, brother, or boyfriend. Actually I forget. Do they go to SC?

Last caption.

I'm glad everyone is back. I am looking forward to Sunday. Which is tomorrow. Nice. Hopefully I won't die in my sleep.

Meagan's mom's nickname is Shitty. IIRC, it is because wherever she used to live, the natives couldn't pronounce her name properly, akin to a small child.

KP (That's for you Carly Syke) and I got a ride to Jack in the Box from some dude I barely know and the first thing he says is, "Do you know the Schwartz's? Al doesn't like you." WTF OMFGBBQ! What do you say to that but, "Uh... thanks. You have great social skills." I wish bad things upon him.


End of night.


FUCK YOU CLUCK U! Ferd E. Bird and I came last night, and it was closed. And then it was closed this afternoon too! NOOOOOEZZ!

I love stacking things and I got this Half and Half stack pretty high when the proprietress came up to me with three toy cars, handed them to me and remarked, "Honey, don't play with food. Play with these cars." OWNED.

Do you have hair growing out of weird places? There is this one hair on my right foot and it is a little strange. I don't like it. So I pluck it, but it keeps on growing back. Woe is I.



January 1, 2005

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