It Has Been Said I Have An Asian Mullet

Damn you Miriam.  As many of you know, I was growing my hair out because it was time to change my appearance to coincide with the change in my personality due to self improvement with the help of Tony Robbins.  My moms demanded I trim it, so I went to her hairdresser who *I thought* was a huge cunt, and wrote on my away message: "What part of 'Please don't cut my hair short, I like it long.' did she not understand?  I hope she gets AIDS and dies."  I was about to cry and was hating life, however now that I look at it, I like my new haircut, so it seems I spoke too soon.  Cheers to Crystal.  I hope she lives a full life and breeds healthy offspring.

Friday, April 15, 2005

It's Phi Biscuit with Alpha Phi and here I am standing on a curb so as to look taller than Ms. Laura Prickett the Cricket.  Let me ask you something: how should one in college carry a sweatshirt?  Around the waist?  Around the neck?  Sideways like a Timbuk2 messenger bag?

WE WON BITCHES.  3, 4 Quinella.  Too bad it was only $8.90.  I would like to win huge at the races.  Then I could bust out this line from Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle: "Remember how bad the Holocaust was?  Well think exactly the opposite."

$1 hot dogs are awesome BTW.  I ate 4; my goal was 10.  I need to live up to the stereotype.  $1/$2 beers are awesome for an edacious consumer of alcohol such as myself, however the lines are ridiculous and so are some of the colorful bitches you meet in them.

Today I saw the most disappointing thing I've seen all year.  Extraneous keratin can be considered a misfortune.

Who needs to be more drunk?  Huens for wearing those Richard Simmons shorts or us for having to associate with someone who would wear those in public?

Doesn't Swoboda kinda look like Rachel Stevens from S Club 7?  What the fuck happened to them?  Did they get SuperAIDS and die?

What's your shirt say?  "You can feed my llama?"  Tina, eat.  Food.  EAT THE FOOD!

Oh Lizzie McGuire, you and your silly face
but what would it look like if you got sprayed with mace?
probably rolling around on the ground, without much grace
then it's an arm's race, a glock, a strider, that's not good for your tax base
if you get caught, that's something that's not easily effaced
hey it's your cell, your nesting place, an enclosed space
going home to chicago a disgrace
chin up!  it's your hiding place, your year of grace
i'm sure once you start working at wal*mart things will fall into place
please don't be a charity case, aisle 6?  a big vase?
or cds... ace of base, a swedish pop band test case
in any case, go watch state of grace
and dream about the mongolion race, a higher place
maybe interplanetary space

Life Lesson for the week: People don't like it when you compare them with elves from Lord of the Rings. 

Stokes gave me a quick chop to my jowl.

A: Had one of the funniest reactions OF ALL TIME to an inappropriate (in hindsight) thing I said.  Now that I look closely, she doesn't really look like that other girl at all.  I was wrong.

B: Looks like Jessica Simpson, n'est-ce pas?

Are you fucking drinking beer out of a pink straw?

"Nothing is worth more than my life... especially something you would wear."


Prickett was genuinely worried that I would get so drunk we'd get kicked out.  Even though I drank the Jack, I was fine.  I won't lie, I was surprised.

Sadly, only Elmo (you know, that red Muppet that always talks in the third person) went to bed with Mer.  Maybe she should try On Demand dating.

Taken from Suzie's FaceBook profile, unedited.  Really.

Interests: Being Me!!!, Treasure Hunting in Honduras, Mind-blowing sex, Dancing, Partying 'till 8 in the morning, Lamborghini Gallardo in Neon Green, Mercedes S 600 & CL 600, New York Yankees, Picasso, Monet, Christian Dior, Vintage Gucci, Mark Mulder

Clubs and Jobs: I dance, shop & party like it's my job, Kama Sutra Research & Development - I specialize in making all the boys get naked

About Me: I've dated the hottest guys in New York, married and then divorced the sexiest guy in Miami, had my fair share of fun in Santa Clara, been around the world twice, I've got a summer house in New York, a condo in Miami, a yacht in Rio de Janeiro, three cars, one maid... All I need is a man with a little sec-ur-ity!

I'm absolutely ridiculous and I love it.

I'm watching Arm Wrestling on TV right now.  It's amazing what gets on TV nowadays.

Yes please.  May I have another?

People who say they don't like Easy Cheese are only saying it to front.  But putting that much on a pizza is a little disgusting.  Can you guess who's eating it?  There is a huge hint in the picture.

Saturday, April 16, 2005

What is the deal with people going big only one night a week?  People were being lame and my night consisted of doing Rachel's homework for fun and watching Pretty Woman.  Yeah please don't make fun of me.

These two are both named Josh Peters, and I found that funny because one is a delicate little flower while the other is a beast of a man who lives under a bridge.  Let me ask you something.  What is it about bridges that attract bad bad things to take shelter underneath them?  If I remember correctly the troll lived under a bridge, as do drug addicts and the homeless.  I can guarantee that you will never find anything good under a bridge, unless you are looking for free hypodermic needles, an experience you will remember for the rest of your life, and the SuperAIDS.

Monday, April 18, 2005

It's Family Feud time, and Team A (Yasu, Thomas Huens, Kevin Bric, Andy Benton and Dallas Stonhaus) dominated Team B (Greg Varni, Mer, Dirty Denise, Jen Gainza and Ben Taft).  I command you to laugh at their stupidity and revel in our marvelousness.

This is the first night in a long time where all these conditions were met:
1. I was sober.
2. The majority of the people around me were drunk.
3. I was having fun.

Mer was screaming about dead babies all night, and that was highly disagreeable to a sensitive soul such as myself.  Here are some of the more tame (we don't like to offend people here on The House) jokes that she told:

1. What's funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby in a clown costume.

2. What's the difference between a Cadillac and a pile of dead babies?
I don't have a Cadillac in my garage.

3. What's small, shiny and blue?
A baby with a plastic baggy over its head.

If you would like to write and complain to her directly, email her here.  But don't worry, it will all come back in the end when she is serving 5 consecutive life sentences for her obsession.

The homoeroticism between these two sets of roommates almost rivaled the offensiveness of underground German porn.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Lindsey and Mike, kissing in a tree.  K-I-S-S-I-N-G.  First comes love, then comes marriage (prenup of course), then comes a heated divorce, then comes Mike alone and drinking a handle a day, then comes cirrhosis, and Mike dies, then comes Lindsey bling blinging on all of Mike's money that he left her, then comes a baby with the man Lindsey remarried, a better man.

Moral of the story is: Don't think it won't happen to you.  Because it will.

This has been quite irksome for a while, so I will share with y'all.  Let's say I'm arguing about something with Francesca.  She turns to a nearby person, say Mario, and after the obligatory SCUSI! asks his opinion.  If he affirms what she is saying, she triumphantly turns back to me and says, "See!  I'm right."  WHAT THE FUCK makes Mario the leading authority on our argument?

I want there to be Ice House boxing.  Bric vs. Benton.  Ferd vs. Thomas Huens.  What are other potential match ups?

Frozen in panic, Kelsey does not know what to make of the slit in her shirt.  Was it like that when she bought it?  If she touches it will it seal up?  OH NOEZ!!!

HA!  HA!  Boys vs. Girls.  We demolished them every single time.  Even with them metering their beers with pipets.

The best way to complement the t-shirt is to be in a middle of the Lindsay/Lindsey sandwich, perhaps eating a salami sandwich.  That would be sweet.

Petersen is a deity at Flip Cup.  But doesn't it suck that the more he plays Flip Cup, the greater the risk for him to die enervated.  Health problems caused by excessive alcohol consumption is sad.

Mer was being a bitch, and when probed why, she answered, "I haven't been kabab'd in a while."

SO!  I have taken it upon myself to find her a courter.  Mer is a semi-attractive, extremely "sexually experienced" *EUPHEMISM ALERT* girl who likes to shower with Jen Gainza, enjoys the occasional (> 2x daily) kababing, plays Dungeons and Dragons to the point where she is on academic probation, and is a fan of anime porn.

If you are a decent looking man with plans for the future, STOP.  You have been screened out because I want to keep Mer all to myself.  But I guess that is what chloroform, a rag, some rope and my basement are for.  I'm just joking.  I don't have a basement. 

You: Level 89 Paladin, bald at 23, live with your mom, your mom is your best friend, engage in numerous sessions of cybersex a day (and you pretend to be a 17 year old girl from Wisconsin) and cry when jerking off.  If you meet all of this criteria, YOU ARE THE WINNARRRRR!!11!!11oneone

Then you can take out Mer to someplace fancy, like Arby's.  And that is the perfect time to break the ice with your pirate joke.  Where does a pirate eat?  Arrrrrrrrrrby's.  Fuck I just ruined it for you.

Aw how cute.  Now we just need Sara and Erin to make this square of love complete.  That would be an interesting home video.

End of night.

Someone ripped my tarp off at around 2am, and I was furious because I cannot sleep in a room unless it is as dark as Batman's cave and your soul.  I went to bed around 3, woke up at 7, and couldn't go back to sleep.  Home Depot opens at 6:30, so I drove there and bought a staple gun, staples and some tarp.  Then I went to work, and woke up Benton and Ben in the process.  Sorry.  After completion, our house doesn't look quite as ghetto.  It's actually darker in my room now, so to whomever did it: THANK YOU.

Friday, April 22, 2005

Huens took this picture. 

That same day (as above) I went to Burger King to try out the new Omelette Sandwich.  I ordered at 10:33 (according to my phone, which I assume is synced with an atomic clock) and I received the "Sorry sir, we're not serving breakfast anymore."  WHAT THE FUCK.  I thought when people talked about shit like that, they were joking.  This is no laughing matter.

70's party for one Katherine Wieland's birthday.  I am over dressing up for shit, so I wore normal clothing like usual.  How rude is that?

People are always making a big deal that sharing is caring.  But equal emphasis should be placed on take care of the shit that is being lent to you.  I was once pretty carefree with my sharing, until I lent these two dudes some computer games.  A month later, they came back destroyed.  The floppy disks wouldn't even mount.  What the fuck.  I think that traumatized me because after that, combined with my OCD, I have never liked lending things out.

Sometimes I sneeze so hard I taste blood.  That's pretty bad.  But what's worse is when you're eating something and need to sneeze.  Or when you concurrently fart/shart and sneeze.  But I guess a combination of all of them would be the worst thing of all.

Peek-a-boo, I see you. 

Kinder looks like the sister on FOX's Life on a Stick, but hotter.  That's hot when you're hotter than an actress who's show will be canceled after one season.  That show is fucking terrible.

"Is your mom hot?  Oh... well tell your mom that she breeds hot offspring."  What the hell?  Who says that?  Dr. Chiba, XIV

And note: Kinder is ridiculous(ly hot).  kthanxbye!

"Pick up my Afro pick.  I need it to keep it real."

I was thinking of wearing a doorag, or maybe a doorag with a hat over it to keep it real.  So do you think I'd look sick in one or what?

"The industrial dryers are shrinking my clothes."  LOLLERSKATES@U.

A very staged photo, but Ms. Lovelace would not let me put up the candid shot of her saying, "MY BUTT IS STICKY!!!!11111oneone"  Justin, you need better AIM.  And I am not talking about a newer version of AOL Instant Messenger.

The 70's look is very becoming on you.  But I guess if I were on you, I'd be coming too.  HAR HAR.  7THGRADE2U.

Julie looks nice in her hat.  And also riding her bike at a top speed of 2 m.p.h. without a helmet.  That is just asking for brain damage, and I'm not talking about requesting the popular Eminem song to your favorite radio station.  And Raimondi... well she is the hot with her glasses.  HAHA Matt you have a hot sister.

Jill why must you always interject yourself into pictures?  In some parts of the Arab world you would be killed without hesitation.

When sporting the PIRATE EYE, one must bring laughter and joy upon the room with an eclectic mix of PIRATE jokes.

Chugging contest.  Me vs. Dave Ray vs. Huens vs. 2839 BALL (shit you're getting up there) vs. Lexie (where's Andrea?).

That beater tan is very attractive.  But how come Dave's arms aren't more tanned?  This look took a lot of strategic planning.  How vain.

I guess it was Greg's birthday and out of fucking nowhere he runs up to the counter and takes a multitude of drinks down with furious fortitude.  I was impressed he kept it down.  I would've been more impressed, however, if he finished all the beers.  But something tells me that impressing Dr. Chiba, XIV isn't one of Greg's top priorities.

"Hey Mary, I won the chugging competition.  Here is $11.  Drink until I am really good looking, then come and talk to me, k hot stuff?"

"Me be so hot I am a 6 out of 5."  How is that possible???

Like when people say, "I'll give 110% coach!"  How can that be?  In a Robinson helicopter the RPM is in %, and it goes over 100 as well, and I never understood that.  But then again, helicopters fly on magic, so nobody will ever know.  Sorry I've rambled again.  BITCHES.

I was reading a book at Benson when some emo looking guy walks over, sits down, and says, "Yo what are you reading?  Nietzsche?"  What the hell?

Sho Yano has an IQ so high it is immeasurable.  SHIT he is smart.

"Hi, my name is Serene.  I am Miss Teen Minnesota 2001."
"OMGHI2U.  My name is Molly.  I am Miss Teen Massachusetts 2003."

Just another confirmation that it's not love that brings people together, it's pageants.

Don't believe everything you read on the Entirenet.

Meghan says she hasn't been on The House before, and wanted to be.  That is a common wish, so I have registered with the Make-A-Wish Foundation so an unfortunate soul can be happy.

After carrying me on her back like we were in a war and my leg had been blown off, Bjorklund does the Mer signature move.  What's up with that C-SUCKA?

Varni walked in the house today and Huens and I thought it was someone else so we simultaneously said, "FAG."  But then realized it was Varni, so we were like OH NOEZZZZ SORRYFORHATECRIMESAGAINSTU!!!111

bf.c > you.  従兄弟? マジで?

The Frenchman on the left oddly resembles Chuck.

After talking to Vic about Indians (dot, not feather) in Bend It Like Beckham, we decided that we need to go to Bombay to get some Indian hookers for a few rupees.  I thought Calcutta was the place to go, since Phileas Fogg went there, but I guess times have changed.

SHIT.  I had taken Dirty Denise's phone, and she kept on banging and banging on the locked screen door until this happened.  What the hell that's savage as fuck.  There is a reason that people in the ghetto have these kinds of doors, and it's not for color coordination.

Saturday, April 23, 2005

Hey!  It's Burger King!  It's day drinking time with Pat for his birthday.

I am pretty certain this was our Flip Cup team, however I do not remember if we even played.

I remember chugging a couple times, then the next thing I know I wake up in my bed and it's 11:17pm.  What the hell?  I need to stop getting so blackout drunk.  But luckily the pizza place was still open so I could order myself a delicious pizza.

OK, I guess I'll go to The Hut after playing some Catch Phrase.  Some information: Laura Prickett is the worst Catch Phrase player of ALL TIME.  Scratch that.  The worst female.  The worst player, EVAR is Alex.

LOLERCOPTER.  Vic is drinking Smirnoff Ice cause he's driving, and beer has 12% alcohol content.  LOLLERSKATES are you serious?  Ice beer is like 5.5%.

I think this picture was of Mer's mustache.  But hers is not noticeable, unlike some of you dirty, dirty girls.

Is the Boat Basin ready to dock a giant vessel named BAT?

"In my mouth, not my eye."

Look at these two lovers celebrating KP's birthday.


I have a lot of shit to do today: change my oil and some ridiculous homework.  And do laundry.  But that is enjoyable.  Hopefully oil won't spill all over my garage like last time.

April 24, 2005

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