Well I've found a new job. I take part in Focus Groups I find on CraigsList. But I think I need a more dependable source of cash flow, so I'd like to write for a television show, like Jimmy Kimmel Live. I think the environment would be fun. So if you can hook me up with a job like that, that'd work out wonderfully for me, mmmkay? kthanxbye.
Saturday, July 24, 2004
The drunkest I've ever seen Mona. And this marks the night I shared my "What's the best thing about taking a shower with a 6 year old" joke with random girls I didn't know, and that didn't go over too well. On the other hand, I guess it'd be pretty fucking bad if it did go over well; like if she's all, "Ay yo damn I was just thinking that this morning!" Loves it.
July 30-31, 2004
"Ay you racist?" "Uh... no." "Damn." Discourse between an anonymous white stunner and a 22 year old girl who looked about 30.
Mommy, Mommy! What's an Oedipus Complex?
Shut up and keep on kissing me.
Mommy, Mommy! Why are you moaning?
Shut up and keep licking.
BAD BAD BAD
Christine came to visit, and she went so big by the end of the night you could hear her FI FI FO FUM I'M GONNA MAKE SOMEONE COME down the private beach. Almost tipped the rowboat we were in if not for the superhuman counterbalancing of DareDevil and SpiderMan, aka Douglas P. and Emmett Train. This pic was taken right before Douglas plopped his dong on her face like a dead tape worm. BTW Jason tells me that to get rid of a tape worm you take medicine that kills it and then you shit it out. All 6 feet. That *has* to be the most unpleasant feeling, EVER!
UPDATE: I told Christine that I took a pic of Doug resting his dong on her face, and she was alright with me putting it on the Entirenet. That's not the reaction I was expecting.
When I was a kid my dad used let me ride him around like a horse because we're poor and can't afford a real one and somehow I remembered how fun that was. I asked Doug if I could ride him like a pony and surprisingly he said, "OK just this once." Loves it.
Monday, August 2, 2004
Saw this outside of the Rose and Crown... keep your toes in the garden, St. Ides! It was like that show with Nick Cannon where he had some ghetto ass car with light sticks as his backup lights and he's all, "from driving, to the club." Pretty funny. When he did it.
I was talking to the Train about optimism and how if you're a pessimist and think that things are bad, things can only get better, and that's actually a pretty optimistic way of looking at things. I'm so profound.
Jason's family bought a Magnum P.I. of some 1983 vintage wine a couple days after J'son's birthday to open up and chug on his 21st. What a great idea! We have a couple of '83 bottles but they were either gifts from the Italian Consulate or some bottles we got when our family used to rob liquor stores. We now stick exclusively to cash based and cash rich enterprises like those We Cash Checks! places.
When in LA, please be sure to spread the monocle look around to everyone. And make sure they know where you got it from.
Tuesday, August 3, 2004
I think they started drinking around 11, however that is no excuse to start smoking the tobaccy (the wacky kind) OUTSIDE THE FUCKING POLICE STATION.
We're at dinner with Jason's family when he runs outside. WTF? We enjoy our meal and later we go and look for him and find him passed the fuck out in the bushes a couple blocks away. Looks like the man had a great night.
Wednesday, August 11, 2004
Have you ever played Celebrity? It's hella fun, you write down 5 names on separate pieces of paper, put them in a hat, make teams, and then you try and guess the person. Round 1- you can use as many words as you want. Round 2- only 2 words. And if you say, "Damn oh shit" that's 3 words and you lose motherfucker. Round 3- acting it out. Some clutch people- Kim Smouter, Pippy Longstocking, Nick Carter and oh of course Lindsey Pischel.
The dude at the end is the Aryan Racer aka Stifler. We were on a drunk dialing rampage and if you received a call from us- lucky lucky you. Our freestyles were slammin', rapping about Julie Stankovic, her tailor father and of course, icy hot nair. Oh BTW Todd if you're reading this, SC was founded in 1851, and USC was founded in 1880, so I was right. kthanxbye.
Saturday, August 14, 2004
The German flag picture. None of us knew with any certainty the order of the colors, so Ted's sister was dispatched to scour the Entirenet to find out. Actually all it takes is "German flag" on Google. And I made a $1 from Ted's girlfriend because she thought black was in the middle, like some kind of fucked up Oreo. With the $1, I have sponsored a child in Rwanda for 2 days. His name is Michael.
My aren't we looking good? $70 bar bills do not make me happy whatsoever. It really made me sad, in that bad sort of way. Perhaps I'll write a rant on CraigsList. Because that's what I like to do now. It's like The House w/o pictures and I can post them between The House updates.
This girl looked awfully familiar and was pretty hot so I was openly staring at her until I realized that she went to our high school. I told the group that and they're all, "Whut? Nah mofo'er that biznatch neva went to da gangsta SHP! LOLZ! P3neD!" (I hate people who write like this; if you do it, please never IM me because you are fucking retarded. kthanxbye). But then we found out she did, and she's like "Hey you're Dino, right?" WTF! If I have the decency to call you out, you better have the respeck to recognize the stunnerness of the EX EYE VEE. (BTW Jake Vale if you're reading this- I might be able to see how you were right about that thing.)
Here's Dante with his 2 new girlfriends. No but seriously I think I've met/seen his girlfriend before. Is she an Entirenet celebrity or did we go to computer camp together? Because that's the only time I've ever met people.
Claire took her MCATs earlier in the day, and felt the need to GBGH afterwards. Here she is waiting for the gay bartender to ignore her and not serve her any drinks. Or me for that matter. You'd think with this treatment we're so ugly we have to wear beer goggles when we look in the mirror unless we want to be horrified with what we see. But we all know that's not the case, because I am ridiculously handsome and Claire is pretty fucking good looking too, so what the fuck was the deal?
We seemed to have picked up 2 dudes along the way. The kid on the left's mom was my teacher last quarter and gave me an A- when I most definitely deserved the straight up A. And the dude on the right looks like David Wilson.
End of night.
Well this is some interesting email regarding anal beads. An obvious joke, I thought I'd play along. Who knows? Super hot girls randomly email awesome stunners like Dr. Chiba, XIV all the time right? Read it unedited here. Don't people fucking use punctuation anymore? BTW, it's not that cool, since I failed to get a picture.
Charlie's Mach 1 Mustang. I won't lie, with all the hype and promo Charles did, Don King style, I was expecting to get the ride of a lifetime- chirping every gear, smoking the tires in 3rd, and some ridiculous burn outs. But we did none of those, since the engine wasn't broken in yet. Well we'll give it another go in like 5 years when he has 500 miles on it.
This man is not a fan of corporate advertising, so he cleverly took off some letters of this manufacturer's name for his own, personalized message- "YO." Perhaps that license plate was already taken? Or he didn't want to pay the annual $45 fee? In either case, this sucker neglected to realize that YO makes me think of the Visa Check Card with Yao Ming and Yogi Berra.
Thursday, August 19, 2004
It's Vegas time with the original VDT minus James. Though James kinda sucks now he owes me $25 and is dodging me. We haven't all posted in a good two years. We were talking to the cabbie about strip clubs when he blurts out, "Deja Vu is great, I ate pussy on stage there." What the fuck do you say to something like that? So we laughed. Hysterically. Then he began to tell us about problems with his wife, and I quietly thought to myself, "Well you stupid motherfucker maybe your wife doesn't appreciate you eating nasty ass stripper pussy and blowing $1200/night at the strip clubs." I wonder if he speaks as candidly with his S/O as he does with his taxi clientele.
BTW Deja Vu sucks dick (pun intended) I fell asleep and want my $25 back.
At the Luxor we gambled for 4 hours with this 40 year old woman named Kim who was pretty good looking, and it was hot. The next night, a dude was losing his shirt at the Imperial Palace and I insisted that he looked like George Michael. Nick told me the next morning that the guy looked like he was going to punch me in the face. kthanxbye.
Friday, August 20, 2004
We stayed at the Luxor one night and the second night we big balled and got a Penthouse suite at the Imperial Palace. As soon as we get in the room, one of our group strips down and starts tanning outside. That balcony was key as fuck; we pissed there so many times because 1 of our 2 toilets clogged at the introduction of the slightest of fecal material. Unlike in the dorms, where it was impossible to clog the toilets unless you threw a whole USA Today down there.
This night consisted of a lot of drinking in the room (for them anyway, I was gambling and lost my money) and shooting the shit. I wanted to do something, Cohen had the bright idea of going to the Ghostbar at 3am, and the place was fucking bumping. And I saw 2 dudes get escorted out for doing cocaine in the bathroom. Don't do cocaine it makes your nose bleed. And I saw a B list celebrity.
How many dirty, coked out whores do you think have fucked in this tub? And isn't it great that Vegas is in the middle of a drought and we fill a huge tub with water for a joke.
Finally I had the opportunity to eat at the Bellagio Buffet. Each time I've come to Vegas the line has been super long. But I planned and we got there promptly at 5. It was delicious, however I won't lie I will stay true to the game and keep it real at the Boardwalk buffet. One thing I noticed here- EVERYONE was hollering at the crab like they've never had/seen/will ever see it. ACHTUNG! You can get crab at fucking Red Lobster! It's not that special!
I HATE LAS VEGAS I'M NOT COMING HERE EVER AGAIN. I've said it before, however this time I mean it. I lost lots of money, again. Though I had enough sense to not lose literally every dollar I had like the other times I've been to this awful awful place. Where else can you pick up the HIV, herpes and lose hundreds in 2 nights?
End of night.
They redid our bathrooms over at the house and I'm like damn marble? Then I realized that no fucking way they'd pay for marble. Then Ben showed me how flexible the shelf is. It really can't hold a bar of soap, it's all show and no go. Chrome don't get you home!
Here's a book my ma brought back for me from home about my pops when he was a racer.
Though there are pictures of him jumping around like a huge homo...
he's a badass and is 1000x better than all you sucker bitches, as seen by this wonderful artist's rendering. Like father, like son. Fairly soon when the world recognizes how superb, awesome and intellectually superior I am to y'all there will be so many books published about me they will have to clear mad forests and invent new technology so regular writers are able to hold a TB of Word documents.
Every millennia, an astonishing human being is brought forth unto the world. Joining the likes of JC and Charlemagne, recently the world is home to the wonderful Dr. Chiba, XIV, rapping at you straight out of the cuts since 1983 from 1-800-DR-CHIBA. I drew this shit when I was 10 and it is the best thing I've ever seen in my life. It used to hang in the hallway in the crib, however my parents are moving so it was hand delivered to me by diplomatic courier so I can keep it safe. Respec.
Mista Ted sent me this, it's from his USC planner. At first I was like that's great Ted why the fuck do I need to see your planner. Then my attention was drawn to the magic that is 13 letters, 5 words, 1 meaning, that graces the bottom in yellow.
I had a focus group in SF about PCs and Home Entertainment at 6:30pm. I thought there would be a lot of traffic so I left my house at 4:15, and got there at 5:05. And by got there I mean parked and out on the street. I had some time to kill so I went shoe shopping at Neiman Marcus, and saw that they had one of the most luxurious bathroom stalls ever- your own sink in your stall. Imagine that. At the focus group, everyone was a tard, locking onto key words like "simplicity" and "adapative." I got bored, so for every open ended question I tried to relate my answer to porno. I am so cool I might spontaneously combust.
We went to Auto Show in Motion where we got to drive a bunch of cars around a little auto-x esque track. This Saab was the gay, however the cupholder was awesome. And I drove a Corvette Z06, but because I am such a great driver I caught up to the sucker in front of me.
Ferd punched some holes in my door (actually when he punched it the door was his) so it's time to buy a new one. Then he locked us in, which would've been cool had he been Vanessa Carlton. She is the hotness, and I'd like to marry her immediately if not sooner. Her video "White Houses" is probably the third best music vid I have ever seen. Are her ballet moves legit? And by legit is she better than the average dancer? Because she is like 1000000x better looking than the average person.
I found the title of these two audio CDs highly ironic. If he can actually get people to buy the CDs, then he really can get anyone to do ANYTHING! But I would feel the powerless because what kind of tard buys these at Kinko's? And "Never Be Lied to Again" is a fucking lie because people will lie to you no matter what. In fact, the man is blatantly lying to you in the title trying to get the unsuspecting tard to spend hard earned cash.
Tuesday, August 31, 2004
Tuesday night is Quiz Night at the Rose and Crown. I've never been, but always wanted to. Our team name was Alcoholics Obvious. Some of the questions were ridiculously hard. Especially in the picture round.
There were 8 rounds, and we fucking won a round (and incidentally got a round of drinks!). One of the questions was "Who wrote Annie Get Your Gun" and on a whim I wrote Berlin- the Take My Breath Away people. And the answer happened to be Berlin. I am so fucking awesome. We are so smart. The other teams were 6+ people, except for "What About Jay" who flew solo, which just shows you that our collective brain power beat out teams with 3x the number of people.
End of night.
You may remember this picture from a previous update. We went to Chuck's Doughnuts one night and they had a machine that sold these stickers. One of the "teaser" stickers was "You're ugly and that's sad." which I desperately wanted. $6 later, I had it. And it rules.
Friday, September 3, 2004
It's moving day and surprisingly we got everything in one trip. I hate UHaul because they are evil, and Ben saved me a lot of money. That's always hot.
Ali told me James went to jail. I hope that teaches him a lesson to not steal my $25. I'm still waiting for it. And want it, plus interest because I could've had my money working for me for that year because I am a financial genius.
I just found out I'm lactose intolerant. That cuts down what I eat by like half. I can't eat pizza, Philly Cheesesteaks, Taco Bell, etc. Actually, I don't really know if I am lactose intolerant I just think I am by self diagnosing myself on webmd.com. And I read that Vanessa Carlton is lactose intolerant, and I want to have as much in common with her as possible, even if that means hypochondriac'in myself to think I don't produce enough lactase.
Ben told me to write this: "The perfect poster for why you SHOULD become gay, if you're wavering."
Saturday, September 4, 2004
I drive in around 7 and what do I see but these mofo'ers day drinking in the back of Ben's truck. They'd been drinking since 2, and didn't call this here stunner.
I have a big bed so a lot of people can spoon on it. Maybe 8 at most, fatties need not apply. Actually it's the same bed I had last year, but since it's in a room 1000x smaller, it looks bigger. Just like when you cut your pubes real short, your 3" dong will look ginourmous Kumar.
Monday, September 6, 2004
Alright check it, I've never been to Seattle so I thought it'd be a good time to go. And Mercer Island. Little did I know, it would be freezing during the summer. Here's Stricker's old high school, Garfield. Now I've 'eard stories about this particular high school and how ghetto it is, but nothing prepared me for a school with broken windows, a pool where all the gangsters hang and mug Stricker for $0.79, and a delicious fried chicken place across the street. This shit is straight out of Dangerous Minds.
'ere we is eating some Ezell's Chicken by the lake. A large spicy strips with ranch, BBQ and honey mustard. Delicious. Stricker said it was better than the U, however I'll have to disagree. This place was so ghetto I was the scerrred, and not many ghetto places scare me because I am such an OG, but in reality, sometimes you know when you are outgunned. Literally.
This is where Kurt Cobain committed the suicide.
Bar hopping at it's finest, which is to say not at all. We were drinking these Long Islands at Earl's, which is straight $2/fifth liquor, and it was gross, but did the job. We left cause the place sucked, however every other bar was closed. At least to us.
WTF is Cohen doing? What a huge homo. Anyway this is one of Ben's ladies cause I guess he is the P. Diddy of Seattle, that is to say, "He be running thangs in the 2G+4. Big ups to the fans, without y'all he ain't rolling chrome. And y'all be shocked when he drops a gem in the 2005." This Indian girl at the bar was being a dumb, unenthusiastic wench so I said, "Ay yo you are the greatest coversationalist I've ever met!" And she sarcastically replied, "Yeah you are too." To which I ended her with, "Yes I am. I am the smartest person you'll ever meet. kthanxbye." I AM AWESOME.
Oh BTW at Earl's this 68 year old Russian bartender woman liked the looks of me and gave me a free beer. She thought that I'd impregnate her for a beer, however that = the naive because I could get like $80/shot from this sperm donor place. If I was 5'9"+. And some other requirements, but we won't get into that.
Tuesday, September 7, 2004
Feeling like complete ass, we go to the fish market. It was on my "to see" list. I wasn't impressed, I thought this throw a fish place would be bigger and not in a little tourist trap like Fisherman's Wharf back in SF. And nobody bought one the big fish so I didn't get to see the dudes throw them around. Do you think it would've been shysty if I said, "Ay yo pack me up one of the biggest fish you got, I need to send it to Oprah." After watching the feat, I'd run away.
The original Starbucks, suckers. "They're hot. I'd like to get in a jacuzzi with them." Who said this? Get it right and you get a mention in my future "Who knows the most random facts" update. But you'll be competing against me, so you'll lose. Guaranteed. Do I need to make an anchor for the Alcoholics Obvious domination? OK I will.
Stricker is apparently alive and well, however that may not be the case in the near future because his car is about to break down. So donate to his cause. He lives in the coolest apartment ever. They have a nice gym, indoor pool and jacuzzi (with naked girls, no lie), a pizza place, a *POPCORN MACHINE*, a movie theater, and the best- poor ghetto folk living across the street. I guess the drama is better than TV, and from the stories I've 'eard, I think I'd agree. It's cool cause Stricker knows all their names now since they're always yelling. It's almost like he's family.
End of night.
When Charles starts talking to his boyfriend about his car, it's very hard to get him off the phone.
Check it. It's Charles' little sister, who was being extremely rude this day by not answering any of my questions, Huens, and one of our Spanish subleasers, Maider. She charges $100/hour for authentic Spanish lessons. Get your learn on.
Don't we all love it when Huens spread eagles it wearing tighty-whiteys with his balls hanging out.
September 14, 2004
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